Psychobitch from hell...

Staying up until 4:30 am to write three essays in the same night makes me a little crazy. Then waking up at the exact minute your class downtown starts makes me a little more crazy. Hello, alarm, where did you go?

I got my anger out by cleaning. And finishing work. But I really feel like throwing my laptop and my alarm clock and my school books off the balcony, putting on some Birkenstocks and hopping a plane to Spain where I will make a living doing street theatre and selling juice box bags. Or marrying rich to a certain French gentleman... whichever.

Memory

(at our little slumber party in JS's dorm room)

K: I apologize in advance for my morning wood.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

I had a gooood night last night. It's nice to feel like you are a good person, an interesting person worth getting to know. I'm afraid that when he realizes how old I am he won't want to be my friend.

I am absolutely thrilled that my friends are coming to visit this weekend.

I am listening to Christmas music that my mom sent me in the mail. Awesome!

I was harassed by a crazy metro guy today. I hate when that happens.

I am procrastinating. AGAIN.

I am halfway through my Christmas shopping, but I still haven't decided what I'm going to make for my friends.

I have chocolate hidden in my room. AWESOME.

It's FREEZING today. It was sunny yesterday. I just don't understand.

I want a massage, my back has been killing me for days. Hopefully RS will give me one this weekend, or DK. SVP?

Memory

KW: Well, then you're going to hell.

*silence*

Me: ... Okay...

Ooooooh Redden Island, what a fun weekend.

HP: The ferry doesn't run on Sundays...

AR: ...Shoot, I guess that means we can't go home.

Everyone: Yeah... shoot...

TT: She's just joking!

Everyone: Damn!

ELEVEN DAYS UNTIL I COME HOME! Watch out, I'm going to be the hardcore spreader of peace and goodwill. Whether you like it or not. I still need to make my costume...

CHRISTMAS! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED.

And when I asked Santa for world peace, he said he'd see what he can do. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Taken from http://daily7survey.diaryland.com/

01. Do you want to share a life with someone?
I want to share a life with everyone, but I don't like the idea of committing to one person FOREVER. I don't know, we'll see.
02. Would you ever adopt a foster child?
I certainly would. Hopefully one day I might. The world is overpopulated, and I could do without the pain of childbirth if I wanted kids.
03. Are you anti social?
From time to time. But I LOOOVE people a lot.
04. What impossible thing is POSSIBLE?
Complete happiness? Changing the world?
05. What song do you love to sing out loud?
Mambo Number Five! And Lunch Lady Land ("Sloppy Joes, slop sloppy Joes..."). Anything, really.
06. Have you ever laid out under the night stars or taken long solitary night walks?
Of course! The best night ever, perhaps, was when Mars was out while we were camping. We watched the moon and Mars come up over the cliff. Life is good.
07. Is there more to you than anyone knows?
Of course.

TOGA!

You know you've had a successful weekend when you've driven six hours, hung out with a girl wearing a toga in McDonalds, studied for an exam, slept in a dorm bed with a drunken friend (waking up to see his face squished against the wall while you have plenty of room in your peaceful non-drunken state), taken possibly the funniest photo of all time, made a date, seen an incredible musical, stepped on a gazillion strangers feet, made quick friends with a funny stranger, eaten a tub of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, been yelled at by parking lot security... need I go on?

J'adore les weekends!

I love my friends

My dad called yesterday, he read a book (by that Neil guy from Rush...). This book was about a father who lost his daughter in her first year of University while she was driving back to school. Funnily enough, I am in my first year of University, and I drive from home to school! I could tell he was upset, he told me to drive carefully a zillion times, and had left a message about twenty minutes before I got in (and he called pretty much as soon as I got in the door). It was sweet.

Now I am driving to see JS and ES and AR. And I am very paranoid... so if I die today, I love each and every one of my friends SOOOO much, JS can have my musical CDs, AR still has to go to my school... and I LOOOOOOOVE you.

Anyway, I hope I don't die, I'm not ready.

Ciao!

Tonight

M: Phone!

Me: Got it! (on phone) Hello?

LU: Hey, it's me. I SAW EWAN MCGREGOR'S PENIS!!!!

Memory

AR and I are in the car driving to pick up DK. All of a sudden:

Me: Watch out for that pylon!

AR: What pylon?

Me: The one right in front of you. (pause) We should take it.

AR: (stops the car) Okay.

So we do.

You know you're a theatre student when...

You end a presentation with a big group hug.

Rock on.

Talk about STRESSED

When you are standing on the balcony with your roommate holding a glass of wine, and feeling JEALOUS of the stress-relief he seems to get from a cigarette.

I AM NOT PHYSICALLY CAPABLE OF COMPLETING THIS WORK AND DOING IT WELL. God damn. I'm half-assing a presentation for my favourite class. Because I am tired of school, and have other things that I need to do too. It has potential to be great. So did I. ARGH.

You know you are an arts student when...

Your entire class is in hysterics watching a video of Tartuffe by Moliere.

Rock on.

18th Birthday Present

TT why did you get me such a great birthday present?!?!?!? I stand there, and I look at it, and my eyes start to water. If I'm not careful, I cry. It's the best present I've ever received, reminds me of my favourite people, of Amelie, of my old town, of the goofiness, and that when I feel alone, I could call any of the people in that present. It makes me laugh.

It's the best part of my room. It's the best thing I own. If my apartment building was on fire, I'd save it first. Then I'd save my roommate. (That was a joke). I will take care of it forever. Merci, merci, merci!

BOYS!

I know that guy!" "Santa?" says:
I wish I could just not like boys at all. Then life would be so much easier.
Analyse, je te deteste says:
i know
Analyse, je te deteste says:
like, if babies grew on trees and everyone was just friends

Exactly.

1-8 items only... in his jacket

I feel like I'm living some kind of double life. I enjoy University, I like some of the stuff I learn, I like the independance. I like my city, I like cosmopolite. I like realizing that my friendships are more than just convenience friendships.

This is kind of where the double life comes in. I keep thinking of my old friendships as more valid and more important as my new ones. Because I know these people really well and adore them. And they know me almost inside out. They don't need alcohol in them to be absolutely insane and love fun and laughing no matter what anyone thinks. Here, I wouldn't even consider holding hands with someone and skipping through the mall. And this weekend when we did that at home, we made some peoples' days. Because we were loving life, who cares if we look like idiots.

I'm trying to teach myself how to be alone. How to have fun when people aren't there. Because I've been living my life from one event with people to the next. I forget that I'm still LIVING when I'm by myself, and those minutes count too. And just waiting around and thinking of the next time I'll see my old friends or go out with my new friends is not very useful.

Also, wishing I was back at home, and thinking that those people are my REAL friends, and these people are my temporary friends, four years until I get to see my old ones more often, is bad and stupid.

I want to live in the now. It's just hard, because the then was so often. But I know that I have to live a full life. I can have a life where I keep in touch with all the people in my life, live in the now, and not wish I was in the past. I know I can, I just don't know how. And I'm not going to make friends here to the calibre I did at home if I just wish I was with my old friends. I need to love everyone. From everywhere. I need to re-find myself, somehow I got a little bit lost in the move.

I need to find people here to love. I need to just LOVE. That's how I find happiness.

Reunion Weekend

I love my friends more than anything. Going home this weekend reminded me of how great people can be, and how much fun life really is.

AHHHH!!!

Do I have a lisp? Today G told me I had a lisp. Now I'm having a panic attack. I have been doing theatre for twelve years (holy shit!), I have probably performed for at least a thousand people. Have people been leaving the theatre pitying me for my lisp?

"Oh, that poor girl couldn't say her s words! I didn't want to laugh, but it was very hard!"

I have done a gazillion public speaking events. Have I been lisping all this time? AHHHHH!! I don't lisp! I have a clear voice! A "crisp and professional voice". Crisp (what a fantastic word!) voices can't lisp can they?

A lisp! Me! A lisp! This is a very very sad day.

Blatantly stealing...

TT wrote this. I need to have it too.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Last night I got out my year book, and I found the goodbye cards that two little girls made me before I left for school. I have been babysitting these two since I was in grade seven, and I love them so much, I was holding back tears when they came to give me their goodbye drawings.

Anyways, the point is that one of them drew a picture of me at University. In this picture I am holding a golden trophy. Why? I got the trophy because I had to touch a brain... and that's what you have to do in University, obviously. I am also wearing a crown and a feather boa. Why? Because I wear crowns and feather boas on a regular basis, obviously. That made me happy... if this eight year old girl draws me wearing a crown and feather boa "because that is how I always dress", I think I am doing something right in my life.

# posted by Tamara @ 7:19 PM

LOL

I HATE when people type LOL in MSN messenger or in an email. Because I know that what I said wasn't funny enough to make people laugh right out loud (except maybe TT, but she laughs at everything). But lately, I've been walking down the street, or standing on the metro, or looking at a photo, and bursting into laughter, or just a big grin.

You know your friends are funny when they can make you laugh without even being there. When I'm having an "I don't want to be here anymore, why is life so stupid" day, I look through my photo albums. And see pictures of my 17 and 18 year old friends dressed up in costumes and dancing in the front yard. Us having waterfights in my living room. Us winter camping with a broken car. Us sidewalking chalking schools. Us at Vocalz. CM and JS with the stranger at the movies. Us camping, and with the guy from Tim Horton's. Us at Bravo Bayside. Us at "Redden Island". Us on a trampoline in our prom dresses. Us at JS's party... (whoops, that makes me do the opposite of laugh). Us making shirts, us at boycott semi, us dressed up for murder mystery parties. Us at the Winchester after my show. Us sneaking into a 30 hour famine and the night the sidewalk chalking began. Us with bump signs. RS touching girls. Us dancing, at the beach, drawing on each others' legs, knees, socks... us pretending it was JS's birthday. Us doing makeup, us half naked before camping, us blow drying our bras and blowing a fuse. Two fuses. ES with a piece of bread on her nose, with her always present middle finger. Us with the (now returned) lawn ornaments. Us in a heap. Us crying over My Girl. Us singing camp songs in the road. I could go on for much longer.

We have too much fun! If I wasn't one of us, I'd be so jealous! I miss the craziness. I miss the randomness. I miss the spontaneity (sp?). I am not unhappy here. I like a lot of it. I just wish all my old friends were here to enjoy it with me, and to keep those times alive. I love that I can go through my photo albums and remember everything. I love that it is still funny. I love just HOW MUCH I love all of you.

I love that when I am having a bad day, photos make it better. And I LOL. A lot. Life is a funny thing, and you are funny people. Funny haha. Well, funny "special" as well.

I also love that I am friends with you while I am friends with people here. That I can have friends in way more than one place and still love them and keep in touch.

You rock.

Memory

Mme. B: C'est quoi le ghetto boot-y?

A new obsession

I can't stop buying cards. I go into a store, and if there are greeting cards I buy some. Ones with pretty pictures, ones with quotes, ones with something funny on them. I have only mailed one so far. I can't afford this addiction!

Eeeeeeeeeewwww

So I have a professor I don't like at all. It's okay, though, the course is still pretty good. We go to see a play, and a man sits beside me. He says hello, and I say hi. I keep talking to R on my right and looking at my program. The man on my left asks if I'm part of the student group ("yes"), and how I picked the program ("I got in, it sounded enjoyable"). He asks about TDEV and about the actual school.

Then he says "what about the profs?". I turn to look at him. He is a REPLICATE of my theatre production prof.

"They're... good..." I say.

"Hahaha, Prof.S is my old man, you don't have to answer that!"

Then he hit on me. My professor's son hit on me. Creeeeeeeepo.

Our sociological research

TT and I were having a conversation about a situation. We need an answer.

33 days says:
i know, LETS ASK BOYS

We decided to ask some boys that were online: "how does a girl know when a guy likes them?"

Here are some (eloquent, of course) answers:

TT's friend says: how does he flurt, well he will prolly start talking to her more, making reference to sexual connetations, he'll prolly start paying more attention to her, recongizing what she likes, what she doesn't like, starts to hang around her more

Okay. So flirting (of course), attention... that makes sense.

AH: I know when I like a girl, i try and make her laugh. I don't know about other guys but that's what I do.

Laughing... jokes, haha...

There are so many, but it comes down to: flirting, touching, making girls laugh, getting clumsy (?????), hanging around her more, teasing her more (more than what?), saying nice things, "I try to act my coolest", being shy, being the opposite of shy (the last two said by the same wonderful boy).

AJ: but, as an aside, if the girl doesn't know the guy likes him, he's doing it wrong and is a total dork

At one point in a conversation: Well, we think that the theoretical boy MIGHT like the theoretical girl. But there are no CLEAR signs, so far as the theoretical girl can tell.

AJ: Most guys, who are dumb, will try to make a few "moves" that will seem a little awkward, strange, and inexplicable to anyone else

So... when a guy likes a girl he acts like what a girl perceives to be a good friend. THIS is why relationships are so complicated.

The life consultants are at work again, analyzing the situations. This survey didn't do too much good.

Memory

TT and I making different noises for tears.

"zzzzzz"

WHY?

I have the best female friends a girl could ask for. They are very strong.

Which is why it pisses the hell out of me to see one of them being dicked around by a guy and still liking him and not seeing that HE'S NOT WORTH IT. She is too good to let herself be treated like that, to be hurt by him.

You are a bright, talented, creative, kind, COOL person. There are others. So maybe they aren't in your life right now. They will be. Don't settle for being treated badly.

You know you're an arts student when...


Your (male) professor is introducing a guest speaker (a male colleague of his). The speaker is teasing him. The professor says "Kiss me". The guest speaker does.

Later in his lecture the guest speaker performs the song "Daisy" to a third male colleague pretending to be Daisy.

Rock on.

Bye chance

Have you ever been on a metro or a bus, or even walking down the street and wondered about someone else? Wondered who they are, where they are going?

All too often I find myself wondering: what if that guy was my future husband (NOT that I'm going to get married)? What if that girl would be my best friend? What if I'm missing out on great friends, great stories, great times by just going on my way?

Would they think I was crazy for chatting? Would I be brave enough to chat? Probably not.

SD is "seeing" a girl he met on the metro. Subway, whatever. Isn't that incredible? He made a connection with a stranger.

Everytime I am asked for the time, or a cigarette or a light I wonder why they picked me of all the other people. There are two million people in my city. TWO MILLION. And I am kind-of friends with about nine of them. THAT's sad.

I hope I don't miss people. Chance encounters have made me a few friends. But the chance was big, ie. through work or theatre contacts.

A chat
With TT:

Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:>(TT)
heard from pilot guy?
"To have joy one must share it." -Lord Byron says:(Me)
No, thank goodness.
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
thats good
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
hehe maybe hes doesnt rememebr
"To have joy one must share it." -Lord Byron says:
I wouldn't doubt it. He was quite smashed. Amanda convinced me that a date would be dangerous.
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
well... a date, ok maybe.... but a trip to quebec city? to go flying? and then lunch? a little much ithink
"To have joy one must share it." -Lord Byron says:
Well, that was the date. If he had said "let's go out for dinner" or something I would have said no.
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
hahahaha you just wanted to go flying
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
i know that was the date it was just a ... BIG date
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
not "Normal" like movies or something like that
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
personally i think your date sounds much for interesting
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
but maybe not with someone oyu dont know and is way older and kind of creepy
"To have joy one must share it." -Lord Byron says:
Yeah. I did just want to go flying. I won't deny it...
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
hahahaha nobody can blame you for that!
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
i will never ever forget that day... lol, at the guys house.
"To have joy one must share it." -Lord Byron says:
Which day???
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
Geoff: (screaming at me from upstairs) MEGHAN GOT PICKED UP BY A PILOT!!!
Chantal: TIA Tia! TIIIIIAAAA!!
Geoff: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Chantal: She's got hit on by a pilot

*lots of screaming by all three*
"To have joy one must share it." -Lord Byron says:
That's awesome. I love you guys. Only our friends would appreciate that kind of thing.
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
it was SO funny. like, all of a sudden there was this extreme uproar upstairs from the two of them and i hear my name and then i go to the bottom of the stairs and geoff is YELLING at me and chantal is runningaround in circles and i started screaming and ran up the staris... which is when i started tlaking to you... and the best part was, everyone else in the house was like.... wwhhaaaaa???
"To have joy one must share it." -Lord Byron says:
Well, it WAS a pilot! That's a pretty big deal.
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
hahahaha i know i was FLIPPING out
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement... in bed. says:
it was great

Wednesday

So I was busy busy busy and ridiculously tired. I decided that this afternoon would be mine, to clean the bathroom and do groceries and read (Oh, the exciting life I live). But I want to be out there. I don't know where. I find it hard to believe that I am taking theatre and am doing no theatre. I don't want to let this transition that I am going through to take away the part of myself that I've already found. The part of me that loves to dance, and sing. The part that loves to love people and take care of friends, and create things and laugh. The part of me that makes me smile and feel like I'm not just wasting my time on earth and that I can DO SOMETHING for someone.

I don't even know where this is going. I'm not unhappy. I'm not very happy either. I'm just confused again. How do I meet the people I want to meet? I've made some friends here. But they like to go to clubs, they like to drink and smoke and not value schoolwork. Which is okay, I can understand that. Not having cares.

But just reading my AdBusters and reading plays and thinking is not what I need to do to say what I want to say. I was just getting on the right track back home. I had my peace bumper stickers in the car windows. I had stickers that said "love yourself" to go on skanky pictures on magazine covers. I have hidden shirts with horrible, degrading statements on them. I carry sidewalk chalk for street art. I was just starting to find a voice and expressing things. And sure, maybe one voice can't change anything. But one voice can open someone else's eyes. One voice can remind people that they have choice. I'm not brave enough or smart enough to be a Michael Moore or an Eve Ensler, or a Gloria Steinem. I wish I was.

I want to make art, I want to be a part of art and creativity. I want to open some eyes. I want to remind people that this is our fucking world and we don't have to live in any way but our own. I want people to get angry, to make a noise. It doesn't have to change the world. It just has to touch ONE PERSON to be valid.

I want people to TURN OFF their TVs, to put down their degrading magazines, to stop buying so much. I want to hear opinions, to have debates, to wonder with people. I want real, live, meaningful connections.

I know what I want. I just don't know how to get there.

Sleep talking

Memory

After some reminders of my own sleep talking this weekend, I wanted to write down my favourite sleep talking memories.

(This is the first cottage weekend in grade 8. LU is sleeping and the rest of us are up chatting. All of a sudden LU sits up and grabs her pillow.)

LU: Brandy, I need you to do something for me. Pass this pillow to Tanya.

B: What?

LU: Pass this pillow to Tanya.

B: She's right beside you, pass it to her yourself.

LU: It's really important guys! Pass this to Tanya.

B: No!

LU: (gets all frustrated, lays back down) Whatever.

Memory
(sleeping in the car with JS. All of a sudden...)

JS: Where the #$%! am I?

Me: (just waking up, still dozy) You're right here!

JS: Where are you?

Me: I'm right here too.

JS: Okay. (goes back to sleep)

Memory

This past weekend I was sleeping in AW's basement, in bed with SD. CM was on the couch.

(In the middle of the night)

Me: Hey. Hey, NO.

(The next morning)

CM: I thought SD was trying to touch you or something!

I had been having a dream about people kicking something at my car.

Welcome Snow

I'm having one of those days. I'm tired of school work that doesn't interest me, I'm tired of wishing I was back in my old life, I'm tired of my roommate, I'm tired of studying, I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of not doing anything worthwhile. I'm tired of wondering what the hell I am doing with my life.

I'm tired.

And my dog is dead. Hmph.

I never really understood why people got upset when their pets died. It's one of those things, we all know animals have shorter life expectancies than us. My dog had to be put down this morning. She was only nine years old.

We knew she was sick, but we thought it was just some sort of arthritis, she was stiff and tired. Docile, a sweetheart.

She's been in our house for nine years. She's annoyed the hell out of me and made me laugh countless times. She loved the cottage, she loved pretending to hunt for her ball. Mom and I spongepainted a purple and turquoise dog house for her. I used to have to walk her everyday. She never ever listened.

Next time I make it home, she won't be there. I would never have expected to feel so sad. I feel silly. But I'm having a hard enough time adjusting to having a new home. Now my old home will be different forever. My parents used to say they hated the dog, but I know they didn't. There's absolutely nothing in the world I can do. I don't even know why I feel like I want to do something.

Nine years is a very long time. I always thought that saying your pet was part of your family was really cheesy. But now I'm not so sure. I saw her almost every day. I want to go home. I want to go back to yesterday and know that I'll never see her again and give her a biscuit or something stupid like that. I want a hug. I feel so ridiculous.