I can see the end...

Tomorrow I move. Tomorrow a "new chapter", or whatever corny bullshit words you choose to use, starts. I take all my personal belongings (which are WAY too many, I can't believe how much STUFF I own, how much clutter) and put them somewhere else. I walk around my new town. I get to know my new roommate (ahhhhhh!). I make my own food, do all my own chores. I pay my own bills. Kind of. I am in charge. Am I ready? I really have no idea. But I am doing my best to take this change in stride. I have not cried yet, not when SD and AY left. Who knows if I will stay in touch with them?

I am also very sick, which is not helping the packing process. I sit on my ass and tell mom what I want and where I want it. If I move, my body protests a lot, my joints are killing me, my head is throbbing. Why do I have to get sick now?

This week is scary and exciting.

Why won't my body work properly??? ARGH!

Why is it that as soon as my future in a different province is secure, and going to happen, that I meet a ton of fabulous new people who I will leave and lose touch with? Why are these people coming out now? To make me feel worse about going away? Argh.

Randomness...

So... camping was fun. I think. I know that I will camp again, waking up with no plans is incredible, as is staring at Mars and the Moon rising from behind the rock/cliff. The gossip was horrible, the going-ons are tacky. I love all my friends very much, but GOD we are immature. I like to think that I am ready to be by myself. To make my own decisions. A lot of my friends most definitely are not. Am I? It's a scary thought.

I'm also starting to regret my ridiculous honesty. If I am asked a question, I will answer it honestly. I don't like people knowing all kinds of things about me. And everything has become sexual again, there are an unbelievable number of innuendoes, and crap about people, and what is appealing and not. Why is sex SO important? Well, if not important, then prominent in discussions? All discussions. Whatever, I suppose. In nine days I am gone. And that is another scary thought.

I had a chat with JS this morning about everything we are feeling. It is crazy. It is a whirlwind, I am trapped, scared, and frustrated. With the people I love here. Some of them. Why is this shit happening? Why can't everything be slightly less complicated, as it was before? Why can't I be happy? Is it because I am afraid? Or because I am tired of my life? This upcoming change is going to be the biggest of my life. I can't wait... except for that knot in my stomach that gets tighter every day.

Happy Birthday to Me...

It's my birthday. I am eighteen. I like it, so far. CM and I had our second joint birthday party last night, it was pretty fun. There were a lot of people there, a lot more than I expected. It was nice to have a party without drugs, without alcohol. And before you point out that there have only been two (or three)... they never used to be a part of our friendships. Yes, I had fun at JS's party. But I don't need to replicate that all the time. I was super duper excited for camping next week, but some people want to get drunk it seems. Booze and woods don't seem like a good idea to me. People get grumpy once they get sober if I can recall correctly. And you know what, I'll get in trouble for saying this. But I had a great time, without alcohol. I like it better without alcohol.

Now, I was told I couldn't drive to camping tonight. No problem, I guess. But I want to be able to leave if people are being stupid. I don't like the idea of being stranded two hours from home. I'm not going to call my parents, but I'm not going to stay if I'm not enjoying it. I hope it works out.

Anyway, my birthday was a good day. I woke up from a party, hung out with AC and TM, went mini golfing, saw Freaky Friday (twice). I am leaving home. I'm having a very weird time of my life right now. Eeep.

One day, I will be involved with Shakespeare in the Park.

People turn around, and constantly surprise me. They hurt each other, they are selfish, they try too hard, they don't try hard enough. People are hurting right now. People are being put down. People are tired of taking shit, and people are tired of giving shit. People care, but not enough. People care too much. People wonder if things would be different, then when they change, they are sad. The world is a complicated place. There is a lot of pain in the world. We have all been hurt. We have all hurt others. Sometimes even intentionally.

I LOVE my friends. All of them. Even ones that piss me off, even ones I have complained about in the past. I know that deep down, they all have generous hearts, they all feel love, they all want happiness. I want them to have that. But not at the cost of others. People have the power to get over nearly anything. People overcome obstacles every day. Emotional scars heal as well as physical ones. You have to press on. You have to look at the big picture. You have to love yourself, which is very, very hard to do. We will never be smart enough, pretty enough, cool enough, wise enough, tall enough, funny enough... It's impossible. We have to make do with what we have. So what if I can't express my opinions, my convictions are strong enough and I can often convince others. So what if I have a fat ass, I have nice boobs and a cute smile. So what if I don't have a gazillion friends, most of the ones I do have I wouldn't trade for more. My life is good, even when I feel bad. I have everything I need. A roof over my head, food to eat, people to talk to, love for and from others. I have books to learn from, I have friends to help me, I have a car, I have a pen and paper, I have a ballet dancer room mate.

You have all you need to, whoever you are. So what if people get on your nerves? So what if you are sad? Sadness heals. You have love. If you don't feel it, it doesn't matter, because it is there. I promise. Someone loves you. I love you!

I will miss everyone so much.

This probably made little sense, it is late, and I am very tired. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say. Just know that things always look up. You are loved. You have a good life. Now, go eat some yogurt, drink a glass of water, and have a nap.