It's Christmas time, and I am currently suffering from depression. Usually I get excited, I love making treats, hugging people, decorating and loving. This year I have no motivation. I didn't even make Christmas cards, I did half a box before I got fed up and decided the rest of my friends didn't actually need them. Yesterday I forgot my medication, and cried at the Christmas party.

I'm full of this ridiculous anger. I'm angry at myself for not having control of my life right now. I'm angry at being hurt. I'm angry at my body, my mind, the weather, the Christmas tree, the fridge, my shoes, my face, etc. I'm just so angry. Which in turn makes me sad. Sad at who I am right now.

People have been fantastic. I know I'm a lot to put up with right now, and my friends are saving me. They are letting me be ridiculous, they are letting me vent, they are letting me cry and yell and just being there for me. I love them and am so thankful they are in my life. I'm truly blessed all year. I did grace last night at the party and meant everything I said, even though I was talking to God... life is so good, and it is awful to feel so bad.

I love you all, I wish you all the best, and thank you so, so much.

Merry Christmas/Happy Hannukah/Merry Kwanzaa, etc, etc.

On the street

Walking to Cara's new place you almost always pass someone asking for money, often a particular little Asian woman, quite aggressive, but never threatening. I am walking at the same pace as a guy my age.

"Hey lovebirds!" she calls.

We exchange a smile and keep walking.

"Hey, brother and sister, my mistake!" she says.

He felt awkward. I thought it was great.

_________

I am finished a semester of school. This one needed to end.

_________

I spent three days back in Montreal. The first night was poker then a "slumber party" that turned into me and K wearing face masks and him finding out too much about me.

The next was a "group meeting" for our student project that was us eating pizza and talking about sex in the leftovers of the slumber party and culminated in me holding hands with a lovely gay man and bitching. I sat in my living room surrounded by people I truly love and felt at home for the first time this school year, and that was marvellous.