Good talks, smoky bars, great music, interesting people...

So Meghan had a great day yesterday! I love just going out in the car with my own schedule, with no obligations. I had to go to church in the morning (*sigh* organized religion, don't get me started...), but after that I was free! And I can eat solid foods, watch out world!
I went down to the mall (I love to shop by myself sometimes), but didn't buy anything, which left me with a very happy wallet. I went to head down to Trenton to hear Beyond Control (CM, JS, G, RL's band) at Rumour's, and saw a purple Grand Am turn into Geen's, so I got to say hi to AW and M and then MV. Who else has a purple Grand Am?

I called CC and arranged to meet her after Rumour's. I got down to Trenton, and saw the end of a little set, it was an open stage afternoon. They are so talented it drives me crazy. I am their first groupie! I saw them play, then drove to Tim Horton's (which happened to be across the street), and saw CC for an hour. I adore her so much, what a good person to know! She listens to me, even though I'm just a stupid teenager. She talks to me too, which makes me feel respected. She gives good advice, and she's ALWAYS believed in me. Sometimes it really feels like no one does, but she does. She is probably my greatest mentor. She has talked to me about theatre, my life, my parents, my friends, relationships, talent, and that's just talking about me. I don't think I would have done so much at BTG if it weren't for her. I don't think I would have had the guts to tell my mom a lot of things if it weren't for her. I definitely would still be letting people use me. I'm not a pushover anymore! I'm still too shy (some people would definitely argue that), but I am getting better.

I'm still not myself though. I haven't finished developing my character, and that leaves me vulnerable. Vulnerable to be ripped open and stepped on. I'm paranoid about losing my friends (just ask poor AR) and being excluded. I'm terrified of not being liked, because everyone always says "be yourself then you'll be truly happy/have the best friends/have the time of your life". I'm becoming myself, and what if I don't have the best friends or the time of my life? What if I finally get to be Meghan, and it sucks? I think that is what stops me from being me. As much as I hate sounding this and sounding all insecure-teenagerish, I would hate to be left out! I would hate to be disliked for being myself, I wouldn't get any satisfaction that I was finally me if people weren't drawn to me in one way or another. Argh.

After coffee (well, tea...) with CC, I went back over to Rumour's. There was a lot of... well I don't know if it even deserves to be called country...playing. I sat with the band (I think I was the only girl under 50 in the room except for CM and JS's moms). There was some quite amusing dancing, it was a fabulous place to people-watch. All these old people were trying to be so cool! Ew! Beyond Control finally got to play (after CM did some great country-drums, he got himself an offer...), and they did a great set. SD got there just in time, and then I had someone to sit with. They're so damn good! CM's mom made SD and I dance to Under the Bridge by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, not a great dancing song... It was fun though, I'm glad I went. I felt bad that their other friends didn't come, because they've been asked to come back, for $$! I'm excited for them. I left after they were done (after being hit on by an old man, am I a magnet or something, ick!! "Why is a pretty young girl like you going home by herself?" "Because I'm 16", you creep! That's even worse then those men at work!). I had a good day. I picked where I went, what I wanted to do, and it was great, and calming, and relaxing. I need to trust myself, I can have my own fun too.

Things are good right now, all howevers aside.

One Day I'll Fly Away

I spend all my spare time at parks. With my crazy wonderful friends. And having tie dye parties, hair dying parites, surprise Wednesday birthday parties... and we always end up at a park. There has been frog catching, Olympics, musicals, shoe-kicking competitions, Northern Lights, look at the stars, "are you baked?", the list goes on, and I don't even remember everything. I love it. I love that I have friends that don't need to get drunk, or high, and who can just go outside and play, and appreciate each other, and be happy and have fun. I love that everyone and anyone is invited, and you can do your own thing, and never worry about being shunned, or disliked.

However (it always comes down to a however, doesn't it?) there is one thing which is beginning to worry me. The amount of "hooking-up" going on. Not to say I'm not happy for the people, AW and M are a wonderful pair, I can tell how much they like each other, and trust each other, and enjoy each other's company. Now AR and R are hooking up. I'm also happy for AR, finding a guy who isn't an idiot (ie MC), and who will treat her well, and who I like too. These are two of my greatest friends though, and if they both have a guy to be attached to... that adds something else, and we're all too busy to see each other already. For me, there is no question that friends would come first (me of so much experience and everything...), and I know they both think that too... but I'm sure it's easy to forget. Sometimes I already feel forgotten. And I still haven't found a guy, not counting J, who I would ever consider, or want as more than a friend (of course I've had crushes, all the time, but I know not to take them seriously, and to keep them secret). I know that there is probably someone right in front of me, but who, and how do I find out?? And I hate myself for wondering this, because I truly, 100% believe that high school relationships are usually a waste of time, and are also quite meaningless. I used to feel above needing relationships, I don't like the idea of being tied to one person for an undetermined amount of time, until you or they get tired. I just need my friends. But I'm not all that sure right now... There's no one to talk to about this, because they are all too busy.

I had a big thing for a guy this year, and of course I kept it to myself, and for awhile I regretted it. But not anymore, I kept myself safe from a lot of pain. I don't really think I'm very likable, anyways, I'm awkward, and quiet, but when I'm loud I'm obnoxious.

One day I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday. Until then, I'll keep waiting for my Ewan McGregor to come.

I had a lovely day today. I went to the Ontario Universities Fair, and I got a lot of stuff about my future that was scaring me straightened out in my mind. I do want to go to school for theatre. It is my passion, it is my favourite thing, and no matter how hard the professions are to get into, I owe myself the happiness that it brings me. I would be happy changing the marquee, if that's all I can get. Theatre is truly magical for me, and I adore it.

I also got to talk to my friends, who I have been missing. They are still the same. AW is in a tight situation right now, which she doesn't really want to discuss, which is fine, but I've become an awful person who needs gossip. The part of it I know is also affecting a lot of others I care about, and has left me disappointed with CM and JP. They are hurting people that they say they care about. CM seems to need a girlfriend all the time, he doesn't know when to take a break, and poor TT will be left feeling... used? Abandoned? And in a way, so do I. Not that it relates to me, but I don't like that CM hurts people, because I care about him a great deal, I believe he is a good person. And JP is hurting people too, SD, MV. High school gossip sucks, and relationships, and stupid situations do too. I wish I didn't know about this, it's making me angry, and hurt for everyone, because I care about them!!

But a good day nonetheless. Argh, people. I wish life were easy, and turned out the way I wanted it to!

I'm tired of pudding! And applesauce! And mashed potatoes! And scrambled eggs! I want some chicken! And pasta! And an apple, maybe, and some carrots! And cookies! Stupid gash in my mouth. I could barely get some fruit in there. I found soft cookies today, I kind of skipped the afternoon of school, except for co-op, and went to Beckers with CM and TE, and bought soft cookies and a freezie. Notice how there is so much sugar in all the soft stuff? Then we went to the park, and I had a nice break.

I went to coop. Mr P (idiothead) told me he'd call Mme. Mc to tell her I wouldn't be there yesterday because I went home. Did he? No, she didn't get a message. I even asked him today, and he told me he did. I hate him! Now there is someone who shouldn't be teaching. He doesn't like kids, he doesn't like to think of something interesting to do. Except for Charades, that was pretty interesting...

I spent the last period (as I was signed out) talking to Mr. G. I am the new "president" of drama council, and I really want to make something great out of it this year. The last two years it has fallen through. I have a lot of good ideas, but they are all ideas that I would like, I don't know if others would. I want to DO drama, learn, have opportunities. I don't just want to play theatre games for an hour and a half every week. We'll see.

Hey! I heard someone reads this! It's no longer complete self-indulgence!

I'm feeling much better today than I was yesterday or the day before. Which is funny, because I'm sitting here with bloody gauze in my mouth, but more on that later. I think I must be manic-depressive, because it just shifts way too often. AW is now dating M. About time! That makes me very happy for her, and for him. TT is now not dating CM. That is probably a bad thing, and I do feel terrible for both of them, but maybe it was the right thing? I am no longer mad at AR or CH or anyone. Because I don't care. People know me, and if I bother them, it's usually just me being stubborn and opinionated, and that's part of who I am. I have very strong beliefs, and I stick with them. I need people to tell me when I make them mad, because if it's a flaw of mine, I'd like to try to amend it. I'm willing to change things about myself if I hurt others unintentionally.

I love my friends very much, and I'm very glad and lucky that I have them. Even if I get mad sometimes. I think it's healthy to discuss problems rather than be mad all by myself, or have someone else be mad at me. I have friends that I enjoy in different settings and moods. And I know what they are, and hang out with my friends accordingly. I like large groups, and small groups.

School is just a stress, but I can deal with it, I have to, for one more year. That's it. Less than a year. Nine months. I will make it. I will make time for myself. I will have time for my problems, and my friends problems. I will just deal with everything, like everyone else has to.

And now I will spend the rest of my day watching tv. I had an emergency wisdom tooth removal (ew-tr according to LU). I went in because I thought they were growing in, and wanted to see what he thought. He said he'd like to take it out right away. I can't feel the left side of my head. I got the whole nitrus oxide. I had to watch some awful Keanu Reeves movie. I have bloody gauze in my mouth. I spit a whackload of blood into the sink. Ick! Well, an unexpected day off of school, and I get the rest out in November.

I cried today, for the first time since the summer festival (ugh). I'm just feeling so frustrated, and angry, and stressed, and lonely, and excluded. I miss my friends, but I don't think they've even noticed that I'm not around. I've fought with my mom, who I never fight with, twice in the last two days. I'm getting to be boring and tired, and grumpy, because I'm back at school. I feel like such a loser, and a loner, and I just want to go back to summer.

I think school is bad for me, it's not my kind of environment. I know life can't be stress free, but if I had my choice I wouldn't have to sit in classes taught by teachers who don't want to teach, and who can't intrigue me. Because I like to learn, I like knowledge. But it's worthless for me to sit in a class where I don't get anything out of it except homework that I won't learn anything from. My life is getting dull. I'm busy, for sure. But tap is my only fun planned thing.

I'm not having any fun. I hate getting up in the morning, and not doing anything I really want to do all day. I hate hurting my mom by pushing her away because I don't care about school anymore, but I really do. I hate not having time to sit alone and think, or to sit with my friends and just talk about nothing. I hate being forgotten. I hate that everyone seems happier than me. I hate that my own friends don't even notice that I'm ready to drive my car off a ledge. But I guess they know I wouldn't. Because I don't do daring things like that. I just stay safe, which is fine with me, really.

My friends don't seem to call me just to talk anymore. I would be SO happy if someone would just call me, and talk, even if it was just for 10 minutes. I don't care what about. Anyone, not just one of my closest friends. I'm too scared to call someone that I'm not super-great close friends with. I don't know if they'd find me needy or not.

But now my mom is mad at me, and I know I'm not going to do my homework, so I'd best go to bed, because I'll have a lot more to do tommorrow. Sometimes life really sucks.

Bleh.

I can't do everything. I can't do everything. That's what I keep telling myself. I'm just feeling very stressed right now. It feels like all I do is go to school, do homework, and go to work. I rarely see my friends, who really keep me sane and going, which is something I need right now. There is always more to be done, there is always something for me to do. And it's always boring, and not stimulating. I have to read 115 pages of my french novel in the next day and a half, I have to do two big important drama presentations, and have to pick a job to keep, and pick Universities and programs and what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have to make money I have to do well in school, I have to keep up my extracurricular, I have to have a life somewhere! I can't do everything. And I know that no one expects me to do everything- but they always expect me to do what they want from me.

Well, at least I'm doing better than last year at this time, when I had a nervous breakdown while driving. I know what makes me happy now, as I had a very happy summer. I just wish I could focus on that, because then, instead of doing well in school and being successful, I'd be HAPPY. Which is a lot more important to me. Why can't everyone just do what makes them happy? Why do we need years of education about stuff which doesn't interest us? Why can't we find our passions, and expand on them for the rest of our lives? Rather then get what someone else decides we should be taught by teachers who don't care. I can accept this... I think.

I miss my friends. I have too much homework. Hell, I can't do everything.

I was talking to SD today about words. I love them! So, here's a list of a few of my favourite words. Many of them, however, are not real words. Such as dilrip (CM and my b-day cake). Here I go: drip, fork, our, dwell, Dwayne (LOVE that name!), zquompch (from the theatre), cake, lid, glass, book, zqrt (pronounced *snort-t*), swife, swif... There are too many.

So I'm bored. Like unbelievably mega-bored. Bored to the point of visiting a site about BLOGS and making one called Chocolate Chips and Marshmallows, which is what I just ate. Which is bad. Because I'm trying to be a healthy girl. Not that it's working. Ick, working out. Maybe if I didn't work at the health club it wouldn't be so bad. On Friday, I was working out, and I was leaving the gym, in sweaty clothes, with messy hair, with car keys in my hand and my gym bag on my back, and I held the door for a member going in. He told me his number. *cough* I'm not working Sir. My goodness.

Rent finished in Ottawa, and I didn't get to see it. I want to get up to NY this year to see Thoroughly Modern Millie. But what's with all the musicals being made from movies? Theatre and film, two different art forms. I want to be a theatre buff. I want to see all the shows up in Toronto. But I can't. Because I'm a poor high school student who lives in Dirtytown. Another decade, and I'll do it.