Looking forwards to a Valentine's EFF-IT.

When did I turn into such a ridiculous sappy girl? Why wasn't I slapped a long time ago? If you are reading this: Please don't ever let me get so wrapped up in something stupid like this ever again. It's been nothing but bad for my self-esteem. I feel very silly. Boys are not worth feeling stupid over, and I know that, and I knew that the whole stupid time.

I'm just in a crummy mood at myself and my own stupidity and expectations (which still aren't clear). I am not a bad person, that's my new mantra. I'm just tired of letting myself be treated not the way I want to be treated. I'm just tired.

Craft night warms my heart

C's boyfriend met me for the second time last night. She told me he said:

"Meghan is such a good person, you can tell by looking in her eyes. She is selfless and genuine. She also seems to be getting fed up with being selfless, because people take advantage of that and of how good she is."

Wow. Um, thank you for absolutely giving me a great confidence boost right when I needed it, J. Here's to more craft nights at the bar!

I just got off a rollercoaster

I never really believed in PMS. I knew I got irritable but (watch out, grossness ahead) who wouldn't get irritable knowing that they are bleeding out their vaginas for four to six days (or 21. That sucked. Yes I'm okay talking about this, remember the Vagina Monologues??). But this past week, since Saturday, I've been an absolute wreck. I got emotional about leaving, I cried to my landlord for half an hour, I flipped out about a BOY (which I've never, ever done), I cried a lot, I felt hopeless and stupid. I had no drive or motivation to do any work, my favourite classes weren't cutting it.

PMS- eff you. I need my life back. I need to know what's important to me, I need to not make a huge big deal out of stupid things that wouldn't ordinarily matter a lot.

Tomorrow I am going away, I am very excited, this break will be super nice. I get to take an airplane. I get to watch a show. I am a lot happier than I was earlier this week. Not hard, I was a wreck. I had some great rants... I apologize everyone! Thanks for putting up with me. I am so grateful for all of you.

She's got it figured out...

In great, great need of a girls night. BAH. says:
Boys. I don't understand.
SOCIABLE! says:
Me neither. But i understand one thing. penises
In great, great need of a girls night. BAH. says:
haha, what about them.
SOCIABLE! says:
i know how they work
In great, great need of a girls night. BAH. says:
haha, yeah...
In great, great need of a girls night. BAH. says:
And how they are in charge of the boys.
In great, great need of a girls night. BAH. says:
Which PISSES ME OFF.
SOCIABLE! says:
why?
SOCIABLE! says:
i like it
SOCIABLE! says:
as long as you realize its the penis, and not the boy...
In great, great need of a girls night. BAH. says:
what?
SOCIABLE! says:
like... it sucks if you like the guy and only his penis likes you... but if all you want is his penis... its awesome

You know you are a theatre student when...

You are getting credits to go to a class where all you do is play games, give each other back massages, eat brownies and colour.

High-strung much??

For the last three days I've been a great big ball of emotions. It started on Saturday, after the (very successful, in my opinion) fort party. ACB, AR and I went to Swiss Chalet (where we met the waitress who wins the award for most crack consumed on shift) for some chicken. Which was disappointing, as it was pink on the inside and there was no ketchup and I was afraid to ask crack-waitress for anything. And when I reread those sentences, they have absolutely nothing to do with anything. But they are staying.

So I make cake with AR and eat cake with AR, and go to JA's birthday. And this is when the emotional rollercoaster, completely non-period (which scares me) related, begins. I was telling TT some new information, sitting on the kitchen floor of course, and we just had a really good chat. AR joined us for a few minutes, and JA. It was just so nice to chat about life and stupid boy problems, and be able to say anything. I love being so close to people.

After JA's we went to JS's for a little. I was exhausted from a night of no sleep because of forting, and it was just chilling, listening to Cuban music, looking at photos, chatting, etc. Then it was time to go. I was hugging TT goodbye, and I just lost it. I love my friends so much, I need them so much, and coming back here to school just doesn't compare sometimes. I cried in the car, then I got home and cried. I got up, talked to my mom for a bit and lost it again.

I took the train home, arrived at a party which sucked and got me in big big trouble. This trouble made me more emotional. Now I have to deal with a roommate who almost got us evicted, a superintendant who thinks I'm in trouble, parents who want to help, but I'm not sure what I want to do yet. He was so inconsiderate last night, and I take all the blame. And I am the one who gets the eviction threat. And I am the non-smoker who now has to deal with an apartment of smoke. And I am sad.

Bah!

I need to stop procrastinating! I need to stop rewarding myself for doing some work by letting myself off the hook from some work due later in the week. I need to get away from my computer. I need to actually get up at a decent hour and be productive. I need to eat properly. I need to get a hug from someone I miss.

Big cities

I always liked visiting big cities when I was younger and coming from a very small town. Now that I live in one, however, I find it very overwhelming. Today I just missed a metro, and was the first one on the platform. Two guys, not much older than me, sat down at the bench beside me. They are talking very loud, in french. A girl who looks about my age walks down the platform, passes them, then me. They start making lots of whistles, it sounded like they were calling a dog. She walks all the way to the end of the platform.

A girl our age walked onto the other platform, and they did the same thing. They got louder. I couldn't understand what they were saying. I looked over, and accidentally made eye contact with one, and they turned to me. I didn't know whether it would be safer to ignore them, or get up and walk down the platform. I turned my head away, and I heard them say something about me not understanding French. Another girl crosses the other platform, and they do the same thing. So in the metro at this point there are four girls, and two loud guys. And who wins? The guys, of course. All of us girls avoid looking at them, sit awkwardly in silence until the metro gets there.

This pisses me off to no end. Why did they do that? Why did we put up with it? We outnumbered them. What gives these guys the right to make us feel uncomfortable in our travels? It's bad enough when you get the guys who stare you down. But the guys who treat us like we're fucking animals? I hate myself for letting it happen.

The big city is full of people who make me feel uncomfortable. The homeless veteran who stands at the bottom of the escalator in the school metro. The crack whore who asks for change but has money to put on lots of eyeliner by the supermarket. The man who claims to be a single father, but can be seen with a bottle of alcohol when he's not harassing people. The strung out guy on the bus, who pulled the cord at every stop and kept smacking his wrist against the bar. The guy who followed me and kept asking me "you know me? You know me? What's your name?". The guy who yelled at me for walking up the escalator.

Everyone else gives you sympathetic looks and continue on their way. Why are people hurtful to strangers? How do people come to a point where they live on spare change? The world scares me. I have my little safety, white suburban girl bubble. I have no addictions, other than chocolate and dancing. I have a little bit of money and the constant support of parents. I have people to turn to. I harass no one. I want people to find their place, their happiness. I doubt it's on the street. Or harassing girls on the metro. Shut up, boys.

Never been so cold in my life...

I've become a kind-of recluse in my little apartment. It is so unbelievably cold here, even in my room, that the idea of going outside has stopped me from leaving a number of times this week. I'm trying to think of productive things to do by myself. So far I've written thank you letters for some Christmas presents, done my homework, talked to TT, LU, AR and ACB on the phone, ate waaaaaaaaay too much, cleaned my room, researched stuff, MSN chatted... nothing that does any good for anyone. Well, chatting is enjoyable, and my room really needed to be cleaned... but whatever.

So I was thinking, I've always wanted to be a suffering Bohemian artist (haha, I'm a moron). Now that I'm freezing and have little to no money, I might as well create some art. I've always wanted to write something. And I've always heard "write what you know". Thinking about it, my life right now could be easily turned into some sort of play.

-I have a roommate with whom I am not compatible.
Examples: coming home from Christmas break to find a big poster of a scantily-clad woman on a common-area wall. Dishes in the sink for FOURTEEN days. Loud, obnoxious music. Having "little get-togethers" that are actually giant parties. Constantly going outside to smoke. There's a character there, for sure.
-I have recently had a lot of awful dreams about my car accident. Dreams are dramatic...
-My adventures with PV, an older guy who doesn't speak the same language as me.
-An apartment in which I have to wear outdoor gear to be warm.
-A zany cast of friends from home. They could be a play or movie within themselves.
- A dancing fetish. Anytime anywhere.
-Relationship problems and complications.
- A kooky landlord, who doesn't appreciate my artistic tendencies. haha, he stifles my creative freedom!
-A struggle with being let go from home.

It sounds more and more like a sitcom with a few dramatic moments...

-the ultimate girls nights, complete with ice cream, chocolate, movies and ranting.
-upstairs neighbours who seem to own tapdancing elephants that move the furniture every night and practise basketball during the day
-boy friends with whom I am so close that we can hold hands and talk about almost anything without weirdness.
-nights like the one here where we play games like spin the bottle, have you ever...
-constant adventures
Examples: getting split up on the mountain, right out of a movie. Simcoe island bonding, right out of a teen movie with some pop soundtrack. too many.
-always putting my foot in my mouth.
-being a bitch regularly
-an insane family
-I manage to draw airplane related guys to me at parties. That is just something that creeps me out.

My life is a lot more fun than I thought.

So...

I'm sitting here feeling half shitty, and rightfully so, for hurting a friend.

And half frozen, because the heater in my bedroom is broken. I am wearing layer upon layer.

And half (YES I HAVE THREE HALVES. I am special) thrilled about a good week I had at school, a great show that I saw tonight, something comforting in the back of my mind, and two good chats this evening.

Now, I am going to go sap again. I love my friends more than anything. I hurt one, and it feels awful. I've already broken my new year's resolution. This year, I am giving myself a chance to try again. I did something in anger, which I shouldn't have. I should have talked to her directly if my problem with her actions was that big. It wasn't. I admit, I was surprised by her actions. That's no one's business but mine, and I have no right to pass it on, especially without talking to her. So I am going to be extra careful with my friends' feelings. And go to them first if I have any reason to. A million apologies.

So I did something stupid

I wrote something in here the other day about someone who I care about. I love her very much and didn't intend to hurt her.

I am so so sorry.

You know you're a theatre student when...

Everyone takes off their shoes and sits in a circle before they are even asked.

Tired?

Why can't I stop sleeping? I got home, and I slept and slept and slept. I love my bed. But I need to do other things!

Anyway

Now that that rant is off my chest, I can state that I am back at school. I haven't decided whether this is good or bad. I love my apartment, some of my courses are going to be good. I have friends, I have plans. I am chilling. It is cold here, so I have turned down going out two days in a row. That's silly of me, but I put on my pajamas and a musical and begin chatting to TT or LU or AR, (about four hours of phone conversations and I've been here 28 hours. I slept eleven of them...).

I had an unbelievable Christmas break. Except for my car accident, and work, and a sick grandmother and dealing with some boy stupidity, and having my parents forget that I've been making all my own choices for three months (I'm not complaining, it was just something I noticed), I have never appreciated how lucky I am more. I am friends with a phenomenal group of people who live life in the way I believe it should be lived. They are spontaneous, laugh a lot, care about others (well, most of them) and do what makes them happy. Not necessarily what is expected, nor what is practical. But what is good for them as human beings.

I will never understand some of them. It's okay. I accept that. I still love each and every one of them. I love photo scavenger hunts. I love just chilling together. I love the four hundred thousand inside jokes. I love the confidence boost they can give me from time to time. Ha, New Years was one after the other.

I love my friends. I love that I am lucky enough to live a very comfortable existance, that I can study what I want, that I can drink clean water and eat too much chocolate. I love that I can read anything I want, that I can watch films and pieces of theatre whenever I like. I love that I can call up people long distance and chat for hours about life and anything. I love that I can sleep in a warm bed and change the sheets as often as I want. I love that my relationship problems are petty to nonexistant. I love that I can just appreciate people.

My new years resolution? To take care of others. Obviously I am taken care of. To think of others before myself. I have few problems. The ones that I do have I know are blown up a gazillion times, because they are large compared to my small ones (like bruising my knee, losing my car...). If a boy hurts me, it's okay. I have great friends to help me get over it. If I do something stupid, I get over it. I rant about nothing. My friends are the most important thing that I have. If I can help them I will. I hope they know that.

Wow, that was long and ridiculous. My mood swings are still around. But I can control them. I can stop myself from reading too far into most situations (haha, except my most recent big one). I am happy.

YAY happiness.

During our photo scavenger hunt

Our car pulls up to a stoplight beside a red car containing two boys about our age. We are hyper and giggling and wave at them. They race on ahead, and we continue in the same direction. We turn right behind them, then head off on our own way.

We are driving down the street, when a car honks at us from an intersection. It is red car boys, who have gone around the block to follow us! They catch up to us at a stoplight. I wave out the sunroof and AR takes a picture out the window. They pull up beside us. We end up beside them at another set of lights. We roll down our window. They roll down their window.

Boy #1- Are you guys from around here?
Me- (the moron, assuming they are lost...) What are you looking for?
Boy #1- What??

They let us take their picture. ACB explained how they were trying to pick us up. Whoops. Although they weren't very clever, "what are you looking for?" could be followed by several awesome innuendoes. It was another fun night at home. I am not looking forward to going back to school. I am looking forward to sleep now.

After a kick-ass party

The new year is here. I am apprehensive. Another semester at University with whom I have a love-hate relationship. After this incredible, roller-coaster holiday I am dreading leaving my incredible friends again for who knows how long. The party last night was the first all-out drinking drug infused blast I've experienced with all those people. I had had a long day after six hours driving, a family lunch and a visit with a very, very sick woman who I love.

I kissed every guy in the room, you have to love the bis. I danced, I sang. I cried. I hugged. I told people that I loved them. A lot.

"Does anybody feel like tetris?" -JM

I laughed a lot. I LOVE my friends. I love life when it can be free and fun and releasing. I love having people who I can hug and kiss and hold hands with and have no strings no awkwardness. Friends are incredible. More later. Sleep now.