a little musing, a little philosophizing, a little ranting, a whole lot of nothing, really.

Sunday, October 27, 2002

Do you know what's embarassing? Singing at the top of your lungs to the music in the car, with your hair in pigtails, a stuffed camel on your lap, and being caught by the person beside you at the stop light.

I have decided that I don't like long car trips. An hour is just enough to have a good sing. Not three hours, hearing the same songs over and over. And feeling sleepy. And cold, and bored, and lonely. I'm not a big fan of highway driving. Mom keeps saying she's proud of me for going up and helping like that... and I'm glad I did, in a way. Craft shows make me mad now. It's the perfect opportunity for people-watching, which I love, but it seems that people are often idiots. I strongly dislike idiots.

I had a lot of talks this week. It was really good for me. Because there was a lot of tension between some friends and I, and I couldn't explain it. AW and I went out for Fruizles, and AR and I finally sat down and talked to each other, and I remembered why I loved them both so much. I'm getting some flack from LU, I spend too much time with my "new friends" apparently. Except, they're the ones who I can talk to, and who listen to me, and still value my opinion, it seems right now. For so long, it seemed that my friends, who I absolutely adored, didn't care about me. I didn't see them all day, and when I finally did, they didn't care. That really hurt. I'm sure they didn't mean for it to hurt, but it did. Now I'm feeling a lot better about a lot of relationships. That is nice, for a change. I've quit worrying about production, so what if it's unfair. Sigh. Life is okay again. I wish it would stop being a rollercoaster, because I'm getting sick.

Thursday, October 24, 2002

High times, hard times...

Don't you hate it when people are mad at you, and you don't know why, and you don't even know what you've done different to make them mad? Well I sure do! I had my first breakdown of the year on Tuesday. It's funny how it all seems worse when you add it together. I'm not good with stress. And since... well I guess grade 8, I've gone non-stop all the school year through. This year is actually less stressful than last so far (THANK GOD!!!). But I still have too much homework that isn't getting done, drama rehearsals, drama council, a job (only one now), choir, tap, family issues, friend issues, a sore back, a diet which isn't being followed, work-outs that aren't getting done, etc, it goes on. I don't have time for a damn haircut!

I can only do so much. I've accepted that, and I don't feel so guilty when I don't have everything done now. I HATE disappointing people, but there is only so much I'm capable of. And I'll do it to the best of my ability usually. Unless I half-ass it because I have too much. Whoops for those times. I like my friends. I like my drama course (except for one tiny thing, which I accept but still drives me up the goddamn wall). I like tap. I like feeling healthy (maybe I should go back to healthy foods, hmm?). I know that this is jumpy but I don't care. I said damn a lot. So there. Things are okay today, but were awful Tuesday and yesterday. Manic depressive much?

Monday, October 21, 2002

Why can't people just appreciate what they have???

ARGH!!! People keep getting themselves into messes, and hurting people they are supposed to care about! I have advice for everyone!!!!

1. Don't forget your old friends. You will need them one day, and if they feel neglected, they're not likely to be as receptive as you'd like.
2. Be nice to people. Remember the golden rule? Treat others the way you'd like to be treated. This means don't cheat on your bf/gf, don't ditch people, don't say "Oh I was hoping it was SD2 and CS" when someone else walks in the room.
3. Don't assume you're better than someone just because you are considered cool. Because when you do that, you become a big loser jerk that no one likes.
4. Don't TRY to be exclusive. Again, you come off as a jerk.
5. Make an effort to be friends with your friends.

I know I'm not perfect (CHRIST I know that). But I know what's important to me. My friends are, my grades are, not hating every day is. I TRY, even when it comes across as whining. I wish other people let their friends know that they were important. Because when they don't, it makes people feel really shitty. Especially when they aren't the ones getting themselves in trouble. B'lee dat? And that is my whine for the day.

Friday, October 18, 2002

Violent mood swings, PART III

It seems I've been on the receiving end a lot recently. It's getting very hard for me not to get mad. I know that I would have done the same things as others are doing to me, but it's adding up. I'm tired, I'm grumpy, and it's time I say a few things, even though the people who read this aren't really the ones I'm mad at.

I hate it when people can't be wrong. I know that I don't like to be wrong, but I can take a joke about myself, and admit when I'm wrong. The person who does this can't whisper, and it's funny, but they can't admit it... I hate that!!!!! It's funny! It's a joke! It's nothing hurtful, or anything to be ashamed of. This person acts really obnoxious to their friends around guys. Why do people do that? Argh.

Why do people ditch their old friends for new ones? Why can't people just realize that everyone can get along. I hate that our group is tearing apart. Of course we can be friends with whoever we want, I'm making some good new friends... but I am still very dedicated to the old ones. It's disappointing to see that I seem to be the only one right now.

That's enough ranting. I'm always disappointed, it seems. I don't want to be, and I try so hard not to be, but it isn't working. I wish everyone thought about others too. Argh. Violent mood swings strike again.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Violent mood swings, PART II

Why do I get so happy, then so sad??? Eeep. Today I don't care about production, or stupid crap. Here are Meghan's priorities of the moment:

1) Be happy. Enjoy the people around me, and the situations I'm in.
2) STOP STRESSING over other people getting on my nerves. Oh well. I can't like everyone, and everyone doesn't like me.
3) Do well in school. This is an important year.
4) STOP GETTING CRUSHES!!! I'm more mature than that. Geez. Not that I ever follow through anyways.
5) Appreciate what I have. My life is easy compared to others. I am SO fortunate. I just don't always feel that way.

There is more to say, but I'm sleepy. "No worries, ta!"- Australian accent...

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Male strippers, and other peoples' shameless self-promotion.Quite a day.

Who met two AUSTRALIAN male strippers today? Well that would be me! In Toys R Us, looking for... cowboy guns... eee! Accents! I love it! Made my evening of an otherwise not so good day. I've been hearing a lot of crap about the production course I'm taking next semester. I have been SO looking forward to this course, to finally maybe get a chance to go onstage, as opposed to my usual backstage, or answering the stupid phone (à la Miss Cratchitt). But CM2 will be the star, of course. Because she always is. I'm not denying she can't act, she's good, but OTHER PEOPLE CAN TOO!!!! My drama class is full of really talented people. Yet the course is being pre-cast, with CM2 taking the lead I suppose. At least, MrG already knows who is playing what. In October. The course doesn't start until Febuary. Why is everything unfair???

Oh well. Male strippers. I have some good books to read. Got a good Early bird report card. I guess I'm not meant to act at Bayside. At least, no one there believes in me. Oh well again.

Monday, October 14, 2002

Oooh, I wish you'd ask me how I feel...

Brownie day with LU!!! Haven't done that in ages. I love my friends.I've been thinking about how much everybody has been changing, some for better, some for worse. It's actually pretty amazing, to see the new developments in peoples characters. Which makes me wonder if I've been changing. I hope so. I hope for better. I'm more confident than I used to be, and I care a LOT less about what others think of me. I'm willing to stand up for myself. I wasn't before. I am quite a bit healthier in more ways than one. I've realized that I'm not the only one who makes mistakes, and who doesn't always understand.

I'm not embarassed about the way I am either! So what if I only listen to musicals? So what if I like an Atomic Kitten song (*hee*)? So what if I don't care what I wear, or how I look? I just want to enjoy today, no matter what I'm doing. Last night the stars were gorgeous. Today I drove home from Trenton and saw the fall colours, and the farms. I love the smell of fall, and the cool air and sunshine. I love that I live in a place where I can enjoy the seasons to a big extent. I remember once, about 4 years ago I was home alone late at night. I was starting to get worried about my mom who was supposed to come home earlier. I put on my snow boots (I was in my pjs), and stepped out on the front step and stood for 25 minutes because all I could hear was the silence of snow. It was fresh, and soft, and the night was clear, and the Christmas lights were shining, and I found myself... peaceful? The world is beautiful, and I'm glad I live in it.

Sunday, October 13, 2002

I am thankful for...

I am thankful for my friends, because they are the ones who keep me sane, and give me fun. I am friends with an incredible group of people, who are all SO kind, and so accepting of anyone. Most of them have no idea how much they mean to me or how much I respect and admire them, but I do. I am very, very lucky.

I am thankful for my life. I have been lucky enough to be born in a country free of war. I have been lucky enough to be in an upper-middle class social status. I am lucky to have clean water and plenty of food. In fact, compared to many people in the world, I am spoiled rotten. If I had money of my own, a lot more than $30 a month would be going to World Vision!

I am thankful for my mother who reminds me that there are lines I shouldn't cross. She is always calm, reasonable, and rational, and I admire her very much. I hope that I turn out like her.

I am thankful for theatre, the outlet that I love most. It has an amazing power over me, and I think I would be a very different person, in a negative way, if I hadn't found it.

I am thankful for my mentors. I have been lucky enough to have found several adults who help me make important and difficult decisions, and who believe in me.

I am thankful for today. There is no day but today.

I am just thankful that I am here, and I am healthy, and usually happy.
I am thankful that I can go to parties like James' last night, and play "have you ever.." and talk about PAMR, and just laugh without ANY worries. I am thankful.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

Smile, c'mon get happy...

I have been able to maintain my calmness from the weekend! I am not stressing as much as usual, I am giving myself time for my school work and time for myself. I am busy, and content at the same time!!! This is pretty unusual and incredible!!! Of course I wish I could just do whatever I want whenever I want to, but I know that I need to do work to do well to get to a great university and move on with my life. Which is another thing I want. So many people are thinking of taking a fifth year! And a lot of them just so they can take musical theatre again! I think that is a very bad idea, because no one has to give up theatre when they go to University, and they will have mostly the same wonderful experience that almost always comes with putting together a piece of theatre. And they can save themselves a whole year! I know how scary it is to go away, I'm terrified, but I know that SO many doors will be open. I don't want my friends to stick around when they have so much to get out of a new school! But of course, that is their choice.

Sunday, October 06, 2002

Some days I wake up early to watch the sunrise, and I think how beautiful it is, and how my life lies before me, and I get very positive feelings about things. Like this morning for instance: the sky's so clear and the sun's so bright. How can anything go wrong on a day like this? .... I'm late!!!

I think I just had the most wonderful weekend of my life. Road trip up to Kingston for AR's belated birthday. There were 12 of us, 3 cars, too much junk food, and not enough warm clothes (wasn't expecting that wind... even worse by the water). It was nice to get away and have no ties at all to home. It was nice to have some time away from work, and school, and family, and the soap operas that have been going on this year. It was nice to do something that wasn't as fast paced as most of what we seem to do is. We didn't really know where we were going, it was all an extraordinary adventure. We got to take a ferry to Wolfe Island, and a second ferry ("Oh, it tipped once", says S as we were driving on. It was tiny! Only 3 cars fit on it, and it was attached to a big cord). I'd never driven on ferries before, and I was scared. But we got to throw pennies over the side so they would land on the ledge. I wasn't very good at that game. We got there (to Simcoe Island... one road, fit one car and was dirt). I got to do some off roading!!! In fields!!!

When we got to the trailer, I walked around to the back, and saw a gorgeous rock beach behind the fence! I climbed over, and I don't know if I'll ever get over how beautiful it was! Just water! The waves were incredible, and we had quite a bit of fun standing in them (soaked my first set of warm clothes...). We just hung out, TT drove the jeep, we ate crap, set up tents, sat on the beach, I ran over everyone's stuff (whoops). We had a wonderful bonfire. The next morning we went to get the ferry schedule, and decided to go down the dirt road to the other end where we found a big lighthouse, and another gorgeous section of beach. TT and I went wading in the cold water and zebra mussels. We found two stones with names written on them, and one that said "Ou-ès tu?", and were inspired. When we got back to the trailer we got out the magic markers and made our own pretty stones. Then TT and I went wading again... and I ended up swimming. And then everyone else did too. It was COLD!!! We got to be clean, though. I had chills all afternoon, but it was worth it. We had a lovely change out of sticky wet clothes. Ate hotdogs. Packed up. Then my car left, took the little ferry back to Wolfe Island, then had to wait an hour and a bit for the big one. So we looked in the little stores, and watched the fish. Got to Kingston, did a tiny bit of shopping, and came home.

I had a lot of time to think about a lot of things, I got to know TT a little better, boy I adore that girl! I got to talk to people who I never see at school, and just chill out about all the stuff that's been stressing me. It was so wonderful to get away! No pressures! I would run away there! We considered "missing" the ferry... but we are too damn responsible for that.

It was wonderful and fantastic and incredible and practically life-altering for me. And then I come home. The soap operas have MULTIPLIED, and I immediately have to give SD advice, and talk to poor MV, and hate my dad when he's being stupid, and school work, and ARGH!!! Of course I don't mind giving advice, I was flattered he asked, but oh my goodness, the situations that boy gets himself into!!! I'm again worried about AW. I don't miss J so much anymore though, it was getting pathetic. I was jealous of everyone finding great guys and hooking up, when the greatest guy I'd known was gone, and I haven't met anyone like him... but I've fixed that inside myself. I've always been independant, I actually have a really hard time imagining a commitment with someone (KW has told me that I will be living in sin in my future... oh well...). But everyone f***s things up for themselves and their friends and makes everything so complicated and awful. And I don't want that. I want my priorities, I want my values and morals. Why can't everyone be more like me??? I'm joking. But yuck for coming back to this. Maybe I just shouldn't care about my friends so much... then I wouldn't have any left...

Oh, but what a glorious wonderful getaway! It was exactly what I needed.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

Violent mood swings strike again

Try not to read what I wrote yesterday. Sometimes I am such a GIRL! Ick. I was just feeling too emotional, missing J, and... ickish. I'm getting worried about everyone keeping blogs. I've been noticing that it's getting to be a "who has the most/worst problems competition". We all know life is hard, and we all have our own challenges and difficulties. And I think most of us don't realize some of the awful things that have occured in EVERY SINGLE persons life. AW is keeping stuff bottled up, and feeling crappy. CM... something's up with him. AR has her family, just everybody has everything. And if I could, I would make all my friends stop hurting. But I can't. They don't even confide in me anymore, so I didn't know about poor AW's parents until I read it on the internet. That is how out of touch my world seems to be getting. I'm kind of rambling on here...

AW, if you read this, I want you to know: I don't care what friends you spend time with, I don't care if you are too busy. Just don't get yourself too worried about friends, because we're still there. You may not believe it, but I have quite an idea of what you're going through, and I'm always around to listen. And on the phone, it's more connected than the internet. I miss everyone.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

I need a hug!!!

Drama council went great today, I am totally excited. At first I was getting scared, because all the people coming in were grade 9s. But everyone ended up getting right into it, I had a fun time, and I'm pretty sure everyone else did too. Although someone got on my nerves, who doesn't usually, but he seems to be turning into a bit of a sleazebucket (another great word...). If you hadn't guessed, it's CM. JP broke up with him (that made their relationship... 5 days??? That's right). Something's up with him, and I can't decide whether to be worried, or disgusted, so I guess I'll be a mixture of both. Because I probably never will know. Oh well. I hope everything's alright.

I'm feeling lonely. I miss my friends, I miss what's going on. Again with the "hooking-up", I know of two more who are thinking about it. I wish I could just try it. A "hooking-up" demo. That ends with no hurt feelings, and the experience. No risks, no embarassment, just an experience different from that with J. Everyone thinks we were just friends. We were... to an extent. He was the best hugger. EVER. I'm so glad I knew him. I need someone to hug that would let me hold on for as long as I want, and wouldn't wimp out. Strong arms, no loose ones. Just a great big long hug of support. I need to know there is someone out there who would do that for me. Hug me and not let go until I was done. But that person is gone, probably forever. And I have yet to meet someone else like that. And I'm starting to think I won't.

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

Today is just another day. No Day But Today. Carpe Diem, seize the day... but what about tommorrow?

Our Lady Peace
Sorry

Today's a reason for living
Today's the blood from a stone
Today's a light from a candle
Helping us to find our way home

Today we carry each other
Today the past is a freak
Today's a time for forgiveness
You were never that good to me

(Welcome to this world of mine)

I'm sorry, I can't lie
I'm wasting too much time
Drowning I've been blind
But I've opened up my eyes
Sorry, I can't lie
So I just say goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Yeah

Today's tasting the honey
Today's the strike of a match
And today's the lines in the pavement
Helping us to find our way back
Today's the crosses we carry
Today's the strength that we need
And today's the hand of an angel
You were not the kind to believe

(Welcome to this world of mine)

I'm sorry, I can't lie
I'm wasting too much time
Drowning I've been blind
But I've opened up my eyes
Sorry, I can't lie
So I just say goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Yeah

Oh what a day, oh what a day, oh my God
Oh what a day, oh what a day, oh my God
Oh what a day, oh what a day, oh my God
And oh my God, and oh my God, yeah

Today we carry each other
Today we do what we should
Today's a time for forgiving
Today I wish I could...

I'm sorry, I can't lie
I'm wasting too much time
Drowning, I've been blind
But I've opened up my eyes
Sorry, I can't lie
So I just say goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Another bye, goodbye, goodbye
Another bye, goodbye, goodbye, yeah
Another bye, goodbye, goodbye
Another bye, goodbye, bye