Whew, so I'm a little calmer today. Last night I turned into an emotional wreck. I've felt like slitting my wrists for about a month. No one noticed, I felt worse, and have been a shit to everyone. I'm sorry. I am sorry. I am not better, but I hope I know why all my friends seem to hate me. I hope it's not something else.

I've been accepted to every University, except for one program. That's good, except it's such a hard decision. I'm excited and terrified. It will be an adventure.

The world is making me crazy.

I've become an emotional wreck!

TELL ME IF YOU ARE MAD AT ME. I'm in my own little world, you should all know me well enough to know that. I am unfortunately often oblivious to people's emotions if they are not obvious. It's not nice to find out someone's mad at you through a friend that takes pleasure out of that. I'm sorry I didn't fucking know. I'm so tired of this shit. I'm sorry I pissed you off. I really am. But you could have made it a lot better by telling me. Now I feel like shit and you don't like me. Good ending. Right.

Believe it or not, I am not a joke

My friends? I have absolutely lost touch with some of them. I can't decide whether that's good, because that will be one less person to miss, miss, miss when I move, or to be very upset. They are also changing, a lot, again. Again, some for the better, some for the worse. I'm finding I love some of them more than I thought, and some people I just shouldn't hang around with.

I've also been feeling very used. Used for rides, used for a listening ear, used as a joke. People have started a game where they TRY to offend me. THAT IS NOT FUNNY. Maybe I am easily offended. Or maybe I just want to live in a world where discrimination is not a joke and is taken seriously. I know you're just joking, and I will admit, some of it is funny.There are other funny things. Better for your health. I have started calling people on behaviour that isn't kind or healthy to others. I'm not perfect, I know I'm not, and I'm not trying to say I am. But I am doing what little I can as a teenage girl to make the world around me a little more kind. And people seem to be resenting that, avoiding me, and acting strange.

So I'm sorry everyone. I'm sorry that I have become "negative" because I stand up for the rights of all people. I'm sorry that I call you on things that are hurtful, because you don't really mean them. I'm sorry that I have become an activist for human rights, and that you think that's funny. I'm sorry that I am growing up, and wondering where the hell is the good in the world when the people I hang around with, the "good people", like to piss me off. They enjoy pissing me off. Thanks, friends. Thanks.

If you read this, I'm in need of hugs. I feel like shit because my friends don't like what I have become. I have finally started trying to make people see what I see in the world. That it is not a perfect place, that just because we live in Canada doesn't mean there is equality and justice for all. Maybe I'm being a conceited bitch. I'm sorry if that's the case. I should just not be honest and open? If you would rather not be friends with me, that's okay too. Whatever you like. Please, just let me know. I don't want to wonder if I've lost you or not. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone.

And so another chapter is complete...

Lion is over. I haven't decided if I'm happy or sad. Kind of both. It was a wonderful play to be a part of, but it caused me three weeks of emotional turmoil that no one really understood.

Now I have no theatre in my near future. That's weird. It went from grade 12 drama to The Vagina Monologues to Ring Round the Moon to Lion. At one point I was doing all three of those shows at the same time. There is no PSF at BTG this summer. Whatever will I do??? Ah! I am lost, I am lost, I am LOST!

Until September.

Grrrrr!

I'm feeling SO pissed off. It's NOT OKAY to not show up without telling me. You think I want to be there? I don't. But I'm committed, unlike you. I'm sure something better came along. You think I wouldn't rather be doing something else? You've turned so selfish, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being used, and treated like a joke. Screw off.

Have a nice day.

It's SO nice out!

God I love spring and sunny days! I hate that all my homework and ISUs and exams are in this time when forcing myself to sit inside at a computer isn't a realistic option. Not that it was ever a realistic option this year, I'm such a slacker.

I had a helping of Ewan last night, God I love that man. Things are okay. I guess.

Strong Enough

So, it's been a crazy week. We had show 1 of Lion. It went very well, but I was very unhappy with my scene. I swear, I could nail any other part in this play, except maybe Scarlett, and I get this one. I can't do it, and it makes me feel bad about myself, and like I'm not holding up my end of the ensemble. Almost over. Thank God. I'm glad I've done it, it just hurts me. There were tears Saturday.

Sunday was wonderful, though. I spent the evening with AW, AR, MW, AH, HP, TT, JS, MP, CS. We ended up at TTs, where we danced and sang and ate (did we ever EAT!). We played, and talked and did hair and jumped on the trampoline, and it was GLORIOUS. I love my friends. I was so happy to be doing something with AR, who I never see, and when I do we just talk about work. I had a chance to talk to her at the cast party on Saturday night, that was nice too. I don't know why she is choosing not to be with her old friends. If she wants to, that's fine. I accept that.

Today TT and I have been planning an invasion (still a secret, though). I'm looking forward to that. I also went to read her blog, which I haven't looked at in awhile. Wow. I'm so glad to see that she is finally expressing emotions, instead of keeping them bottled up and saying she doesn't care. I'm so glad she ended something that was hurting two people. I'm so happy for her to be free from things that tie her down and make her angry. I'm glad she finally said those things, even if they aren't to the people they should be. Yay!

Things are weird. Very very weird. I'm not sad. I'm pretty happy again. I'm sure I must have some sort of hormonal imbalance that causes me to be up and down like a manic depressive kangaroo. Anyway, I'm off to conquer some work, and to see my boyfriend Ewan.

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell...?

Rehearsals are going a little better, I've gotten through three in a row without crying. I still feel overwhelmed with sadness the whole way through. I agree with Mr. G, it is a pretty cool piece of theatre, but I still don't think it is appropriate. I'm TERRIFIED to do it in front of an audience. I hope I get through it okay. I still feel as though I'm doing a crappy job, but if I let myself do it the way it should be done, it might really, really hurt me. I still can't explain it. That pisses me off too.

Friends... are there. Just piss me off too, occasionally. Had an awesome afternoon today, drove JS and AM to the radio station, and who should be working but Carlos, the sound guy from RRTM. This guy is cool, I absolutely adore him. One night before the show we ate an entire bag of Cool Ranch chips, talking the whole time about Ranch. Not joking. He taught me some street talk, word. So, that was fun. We got back in time for rehearsal (joy). Tomorrow we have all day off school to go to the mall and sell tickets. Then we'll go to CS's until the tech rehearsal.

I can't wait until this show is over. I wish wish wish I had a different part. I see all these parts that I know I could just nail. I could do so well. I can't do this one well, and that pisses me off. Wow, I'm pretty pissed off! Oh well. One week left. I do love being part of a play, I just wish I wasn't this part. Meh.

It gets better then it gets worse.

I had another icky day at school. I decided that I wasn't really comfortable anymore with our production. The play is making me hurt, I cried again, it wasn't even my scene, I'm not comfortable anymore. I've already gotten the message, invested myself to being a part of this play, now I can't deal with situation after situation. It's horrifying, the second act. I originally thought it was a great, wonderful thing to have this play in a high school, but now I'm not so sure. It's breaking people. Me, AM, CM, HM, to name a few. I hate going to class on a day when I have to do my scene.

I had a pretty regular rest of the day, went home to do some work, came back. I donated blood for the first time today, yay. I went to class, came home, went to work. TT came in, and we decided to go out after with AR. We went to good old McD's and talked and talked and it was really nice to talk to them. I keep thinking that AR and I aren't really friends anymore, but knowing that we can still talk is really nice. TT as normal was great to have around. We talked about a lot of stuff that has been bothering us (or making us laugh) recently. We are a bunch of bitter girls. I was glad we talked, but I left feeling bad.

We were talking about production, and I asked TT if she had heard what happened yesterday, and she said yes. I realized that nothing I do is private, pretty much everything I do, or tell someone, is public knowledge. And I'm not saying that to sound self-centred, it's true. Last month I was TOLD stuff about my life. Really? Thanks for letting me know. Yesterday in production I had a moment that I wish had been private, but unfortunately it happened in front of the whole class. I didn't want it to, I didn't do it to seek attention. It just happened. I wish people had the decency to leave it alone.

AR told me that people have continued to say something that isn't true about me. Get a life everyone! Of course I know about gossip, I am a huge gossip myself, but I know where the lines are. I am missing a few of my friends, and fed up with a few others. I am not a happy camper. I don't know how to fix it.

♫ "I suck I suck I suck I SUCK" ♫

Ack. I broke down in Production class today. I cannot do my scene. I am not capable. It's not a matter of me being embarassed, or not focusing, or immature, or whatever else people are thinking. I can't even explain what it is. But I dread when we get to my scene. I know I'm doing a bad job. But it's SO hard. Mr. G asked if it was "the violence or the sex". It's both, it's neither, it's everything. It's just killing me, I physically feel sick. AM is having difficulty too, Mr. G had us come in at lunch today to work on it, and she broke down, then I started crying AGAIN. I don't know how to fix it, I don't want to do it.

Mr. G told me when he was casting that I would have a different part. One that would be easy, fun, no problem at all. I know challenges are good, I like to be challenged. I just CAN'T do it. I hate doing something and knowing I'm doing a bad job. I have no way to fix it. There is no way to make it easier.

And I needed a friend today, but they were all too busy, and I didn't want to ask. I don't know if they'd understand. I'm having a sucky last few days. Yuck.

When I grow up...

Monday I went to Montreal to take a good look at the University I'll probably be attending. Gorgeous, looks perfect for me. Get home, excited. Now I realize that next year I AM MOVING OUT OF MY HOUSE. If I go to Montreal, I will have my own apartment. I AM LEAVING. Leaving my friends, leaving my family, leaving my job, leaving my school, leaving my town, leaving my church, leaving my theatre, leaving everything I've known, become comfortable with. The adventurer in me thinks this is awesome. The adventurer seems to be hiding. I have never been so frightened in my entire life. Next year I become pretty much independant. I have to fix my own problems. Take care of myself.

Half the time I think this is great. I don't get along so well with my friends anymore. Well, we get along, but it's not as much fun as it used to be. I'm tired of my life, and a change will be wonderful. I'm just so... tired. And I know that I will be ALONE. For the first time ever. I've always been alone, technically, we all have, we all have only ourselves to get by. But I will have JUST me. And I will be lonely. God.

TT had a birthday party last night. It was a girls only night, and that was SO great. I hadn't realized how tired I was of guys. Guys who purposely try to piss me off. Guys who think my feminism is a joke. Guys who seem to require constant, non-stop attention. Guys who play with me. So we had gossip and ice cream, and just goofed off. It was nice.

TT and I broke into Q on Friday to see the BC concert. We danced the whole thing in the weight room, snuck out, and left vandalism sidewalk chalk all over the parking lot behind JS's car. We have so much fun. I know I will miss her. I will miss adventures. I will miss a lot. Oh dear.