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Bad image day

"If you talked to your friends the way you talk to your body, you'd have no friends left at all."
Marcia Hutchinson

My show has come to it's end, like almost everything else I've come to know and be familiar with will be soon. I know 'end' is harsh, but I know it's the truth. It all just hit me this morning, at church, when I saw my little choir up with the sunday school, and I knew that in one month that would be over, in two months high school will be over, in four months, I will be leaving everyone I've grown accustomed to and starting fresh in a new place. I'm not handling it very well. Of course the play is the first thing, these people I worked with just made my life so much more interesting, and the show itself saved me from shooting myself in the head.

I can see myself being a basketcase the next little while. First I have to find something to do with myself, since for the last three months I have been Ringing around the moon 4-6 nights a week. Then I have to make a huge decision, one of the biggest I have ever been faced with, of what school I want to go to for four years. Next I have to deal with my friends, who I have neglected for a month, and have missed events in their lives that have changed them. I have to find a job for summer. I have to accept my future. I am terrified. It's awful.

Closing Night

Tonight is the last night of our 15 show run. The last night of three and a half months of 4 day a week rehearsals. The last night I get to put on the sparkly dress and run around looking sad for an hour and a half. The last night I have a hair dresser doing my hair, the last night I get to say "props", the last night I get to fight, the last night of the kiss (no prob there...), the last night I get to run across the stage barefoot. I won't get to talk to these people anymore, I won't get to walk around half naked and not feel self-conscious, I won't get to bow, I won't get complimented anymore. No more dancing backstage, no more goofing off backstage, no more putting on the shiny gloves. The last night I get to be a "graceful" dancer. The last night I get to smile at the end. I'm feeling so lost!

I've been looking forward to the end, to having enough sleep. Now that it's finally here, I don't want it to be over! I am so thankful to have had a chance to work with these people, to talk to these people, to laugh with and learn from them. I am so glad I did this, even when it took over my life. And I'm going to wake up tomorrow, with NOTHING. It will all be gone, I'll have some photos, a worn out script, and fantastic memories. The chances of me seeing these people again are slim to nil for the most part. Everyone always says they'll keep in touch, but I've worked with enough shows to know they never do. I just can't accept the end. I've been walking around my house all day feeling like I don't know what to do, and I still have one show. The ending is just so abrupt!

I'm SO glad I did it, it has been a wonderful experience. It's just such a sad finish. I promised myself I wouldn't cry at the end of the cast party tonight, but I don't know if that will happen. This is so difficult!

Boys

I hate boys. Stupid stupid stupid. And it's all my own fault for being a stupid girl. Gah!

The problem with boobs...

So, there are two things which come with being a girl. The good old mammary glands. I happen to have a large pair of breasts. Yep.

So there was this American Idol parody going on at school. AY and ES had me go into the booth to sing some good old Newsies with them. A rather... bouncy number. I did the snapping, and the jumping. Then they showed it in the caf. And people noticed the jumping. A lot. Enough to get comments made to me by strangers. Shit. I know it's not my fault. RB even said there was cheering. Well, at least they didn't boo. I guess. God I'm so embarassed. Stupid girl boobs.

Right.

It just gets worse and worse!

BACK OFF!!! You know who you are. Please and thank you, have a good day.

I'm pretty sure it doesn't suck...

Happy Easter! I'm full of jelly beans, and sleep. It's a nice day. I went to Sandbanks with TT and her mom, and it was gorgeous and sunny. A quiet day was nice, and tomorrow I will have to do some homework (sigh) before my show. The show is going well, on Saturday about everything that could go wrong did go wrong, but it was funny.

TM's birthday was Friday night, okay time, got to see my friends. Play in a park. I'm having a little inner conflict about some people's behaviour regarding me. There is maybe something going on, I don't know. I don't know. But whatever it is, it's my business, no one else's. I don't like seeing people giving other people looks about me. I'm afraid something is going on because people have decided it's going on. Right. As if anyone understands what I just wrote. No bother.

I'm still happy. It's nice.

In a perfect world...

What will I do once this show is over? Well, sleep and homework, but that's besides the point. I love the stage so much! I love to be out there, even if the character I play is a ninny. I love seeing the audience smile, or hear them comment on the fight, or the dress, or anything. I love that it's clever enough that some people don't get it. Despite it being a farce, it's a thinking one. I hope my friends like it when they come. I hope it goes well, and I don't have to cover for a certain... person (not R).

I'm feeling... funny, outside of the play. I have gained this confidence, and I don't know where to put it. I always lose it after a show. I can't just show my friends, I'm afraid they'll think I've turned obnoxious (or more so than they already think). I feel... good about myself? Not a feeling I have a lot. I'm afraid it'll go away. I'm afraid I'm destined to be awkward and... lonely for the rest of my life? Because I am. Lonely. I miss KNOWING people. TALKING to them. In two weeks the play will be over, and all the wonderful, intelligent, fun people I've met will be gone. I'm glad to have known them, but I'm not looking forward to the... withdrawal.

It's crazy, theatre is. Along with my life. I'm enjoying it, just worried, fretting.

Danger! I LOVE it!

A day off, a day off, a day off!!! I have working my butt off the last... well week and a half. Started the week off with school during the day, and L O N G dress rehearsals the nights. Had Wednesday night off, but had to get ready for Montreal. Thursday: school, packing, choir, show, drive to Montreal. Get there at 2 am. Sleep for about an hour, get up go to a three hour audition. Finish, go home, go to the theatre, do a show, go out afterwards, get home at 1:30, sleep, get up at 8, go to work for 8 and a half hours, go to a show, go out. Get home go to bed at 1:30, get up at 8, go direct choir. Now I will do homework.

Now, I know you're thinking, I should go home after the show. But I get the most ridiculous stage high! I don't cool down for about 2 hours. Then I sink right into exhaustion. I am just revved right up. Going to bed is pointless, as I sit and think about everything. I might as well enjoy the company of my cast and crew while I still have them.

My friends didn't ask me how my audition went. I haven't seen all of them, but they knew how nervous I was. KW asked. That's one. My play people asked. But not any of my friends. All too busy with their own lives. I know how easy it is to forget, I have forgotten. But they never remember! I was SO scared, it was a big deal for me. But whatever. I'm one step closer to getting out.

I'm happy doing my show, having a very good time. I just wish that everything else was going super well. I'm having interior issues, wishing things that I know won't work and that are silly. No matter. I'm not sad. I'm pretty happy. Enjoy what I can.