We weren't given much, and we don't ask for more. More is not a word we use.

Theatre is my saviour. Somewhere to really express myself, as a stage hand or performing as someone else. Being part of Ring Round the Moon is such a great experience that I am having. I adore every person I am working with. I adore putting on my "practise shoes" and running lines. I adore trying new ways to say lines. I love that I am not Meghan, and not a single person who sees that show will see the awkward, silly, tries-too-hard girl I live with every day. They will see Isabelle, kind, charming Isabelle, who everyone onstage likes. Well, except for the fight scene...

I want to rehearse every night, forget school, forget a job, just make a gorgeous piece of theatre to remember. Just get to know these people, and wear my funny shoes. Learn those lines.

I am doing something I love. It is fabulous.

"Everything is different Johnny..."

MY FRIENDS?!?!?! What the hell? I can't read any of them. I don't believe I should have to tiptoe around making someone angry. I shouldn't be completely honest to absolutely no response. I shouldn't feel that they are all against me. I am in some sort of horrible vicious circle. Things were okay for awhile, suddenly I don't know who to trust, or where to turn when I need to talk. I NEED TO TALK! There are circumstances people don't know about. They see that I am sad. They just don't care. So I put on a happy face. That's better, no need to worry about me now.

Things were looking up. They are no longer looking up. The only person who I have complete confidences is the one I have been friends with for the least amount of time. Because she is almost 100% sincere. I trust her. I wish I could say this for the rest of my friends. A bunch of them will read this too. And they won't think it's them. It is them. Now: will they worry or care?

"Chasing Rabbits"

I am not a small person. I am not overly large, but I have one giant bum, two giant boobs, and hips I'm not too proud of. Yes, I too suffer from bad self image. Surprise, surprise. This has never been a big deal for me, a medium deal, plenty of times, of course. I even became a health nut for two and a half months, and found a body I wasn't quite so ashamed of. The old one is back though. I can deal with that.

I've been cast in this play. I play a dancer. I am supposed to be very good looking, "charming", "entrancing". I am not, and cannot ever see myself in this way. It just doesn't happen. Because I see myself in the mirror every day and I am not beautiful. I know it's acting. It's just hard when I feel so fat and out of place and people are talking about how "good" my legs are supposed to be. I am supposed to be graceful, elegant. I don't want to look like an elephant in ballet shoes. So I feel silly. And I am not giving my best performance, because I feel so awkward. I don't know how to curtsey or waltz, I was born in 1985! Not the beginning of the century. I'm willing to be taught, and even to practise at home. I can actually dance, I'm just embarassed to look like I'm trying. It's hard to explain.

I love being in a show, but I am not perfect. I am willing to act, to pretend I'm perfect, that's what acting is. It's just SO hard!

"Without Love..."

IN YOUR FACE VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!

I had the best Valentines of my life, single and splendid! Girls night, out for dinner in our formal gear, then back to my house for daquiris (virgin of course...) and dancing (well, three of us). SO MUCH FUN. I have beaten my inner "oh no I'm destined to be alone forever" demons, and embraced being alone. If I have friends who will dance like maniacs and play dress-up, and have fun, I don't need anyone else.

"I won't dance, don't ask me..."

Today our production class casted Lion in the Streets. I can't say I'm satisfied. I know the cast will be awesome. I know I was given an incredible amount of work. I just have this thing where I have to have the most or equal to the most amount of work. And I don't have that amount... I'm NOT complaining, I'm thrilled to be a part of this production in any way, and it will be a real challenge. *Sigh* I wonder if I'll ever be pleased with what I've got in my life. I know I should be, and sometimes I am. But it's an on and off kind of thing.

I know I'm an incredibly hormonal changing teenager, but it's like I will never be satisfied, I will never have enough to do, will never get enough recognition... I miss talking to people, really talking. I'm happy. I'm sad at the same time. I have a rehearsal tonight, I am having an absolute riot with Ring Round the Moon. This always makes me happy. But when it's done, I have two days to go over all the things that are bugging me, and that I know shouldn't be bugging me. I feel like I will never be pleased! I know I should be! I KNOW!!!!! I just am not. I don't know how to change it. Oh dear...

"Where's the love?"

*Sigh* how I hate Valentine's day! The world telling you you aren't good enough independantly. You can't be happy by yourself. You have to have the perfect mate to shower in material goods that are either high in calories, or die. I mean flowers... Love can't be bought, it is nothing commercial. You can be happy by yourself. It's still hard though.

School decides to celebrate Valentine's Day by having a semi-formal dance, where it is accepted to drunkenly grope people of the opposite sex at school, in fancy clothes. Not very appealing. Well, except for fancy clothes... This is why I have created an evening: Boycott Semi/Valentines Girl's Night. My friends and I are going out for dinner, at a reasonably fancy restaurant, all dolled up. Then we will move the evening over to my house, for virgin daquiris. Some of the guys will join us then, and we will just have a good time.

We are good at having good times. Making parties out of nothing. I love it. I love having creative friends.

I am just missing a few things. AR and AW, our friendships have changed. To me it feels like something is missing, but they don't seem to have noticed. They are wrapped up in... other things. We began to get it back at Algonquin, a real true girls night... but nothing was fixed. I don't know, maybe they are just moving in a different direction than I. I miss them.

I declare these streets, any streets my vagina's country!

Last night was the opening and closing of The Vagina Monologues. I am so happy and proud that I got to be part of such a wonderful piece of theatre. I met so many wonderful people through this, learned so much about our world and society, and about myself. I hope that I get the opportunity to be a part of this production somewhere else, or sometime else. It was just such a GOOD experience. And maybe I won't have to follow the moaning one...

Rather like a half-hearted resolution...

Yum, Alan Cumming- what a voice.

Anyways... I am at the beginning of a new semester. I have finished french. Forever. This makes me smile. I have friends. I am happy. I am finding so much out about people, in general. I am thinking about life, my life, and what I want from it. Mainly happiness. I want to enjoy the peope I'm with, and the events I take part in. I want to enjoy. I want to take everything, and understand all the things I need to understand. I want to listen. I want to talk. I want... too much.

I want to not worry about things, how things appear, or what others think of me. I worry too much. I wish I could just strike up conversations with strangers. I wish I wouldn't stumble over what I'm trying to say, or put my foot in my mouth quite so often. I want to be able to accept my life and the stuff I hate. The world isn't supposed to be fair.

I want to stop listening to my stupid dreams, and to stupid society. I am an individual. I don't need to conform to ridiculous standards. I can make my own standards.

Well, things are pretty good.