"Chasing Rabbits"

I am not a small person. I am not overly large, but I have one giant bum, two giant boobs, and hips I'm not too proud of. Yes, I too suffer from bad self image. Surprise, surprise. This has never been a big deal for me, a medium deal, plenty of times, of course. I even became a health nut for two and a half months, and found a body I wasn't quite so ashamed of. The old one is back though. I can deal with that.

I've been cast in this play. I play a dancer. I am supposed to be very good looking, "charming", "entrancing". I am not, and cannot ever see myself in this way. It just doesn't happen. Because I see myself in the mirror every day and I am not beautiful. I know it's acting. It's just hard when I feel so fat and out of place and people are talking about how "good" my legs are supposed to be. I am supposed to be graceful, elegant. I don't want to look like an elephant in ballet shoes. So I feel silly. And I am not giving my best performance, because I feel so awkward. I don't know how to curtsey or waltz, I was born in 1985! Not the beginning of the century. I'm willing to be taught, and even to practise at home. I can actually dance, I'm just embarassed to look like I'm trying. It's hard to explain.

I love being in a show, but I am not perfect. I am willing to act, to pretend I'm perfect, that's what acting is. It's just SO hard!