a little musing, a little philosophizing, a little ranting, a whole lot of nothing, really.

Monday, February 28, 2005

movingmovingmoving

I have a great, big, beautiful apartment. Huge rooms, so much sunshine, giant kitchen, hardwood floors, doors with arches, a SWINGING door to the kitchen, two glass cabinets, so much shelf space (stop reading now, I'm just pouting), great doorknobs with little old keys, the biggest kitchen sink ever, balcony, great superintendant, big closets (making me wish I was fourteen and wanted to play seven minutes in heaven), big windows, just BIG. I love it, it's in a safe neighbourhood, I know some neighbours and live close to everything I need.

I don't like living by myself, though. I've gotten used to it, I'm doing it well. But the potentially best roommate ever and I are going to live together next year, and he doesn't want to live here. Which is okay. But this feels like my home, and I'm so scared to leave it for something that potentially isn't as good.

TERRIFIED. In fact.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Back.

LIFE CRISIS ALERT!

It happens more and more often, I lose touch of where I am in my life and get stressed out and overwhelmed. Then I remember that I have great friends and am learning the things I want to learn. I remember that I make my own choices and that I am in charge of what goes on with me. Yet every few weeks ANOTHER LIFE CRISIS! AH!

It's funny how I feel so out of control and that nothing is really different than it was two minutes before the life crisis.

Anyway. Reading week was lovely. I didn't accomplish anything, which guilted me the whole time. But the small town was what I needed. I got off the train, back into my Montreal anonymity. I'm sucked into nothingness by tall gray buildings and meaningless faces that I will probably never encounter again, or at least I won't remember. I have my people here that I love and value and have fun with. But in Belleville I can't go to the mall without seeing at least ten people I know enough to chat with, if not twenty.

I miss my parents a lot. The water there is better. I eat real meals there. The sky is actually black at night, and I can go out of the house into my own backyard. There are trees. We can drive to the county without it being a huge deal.

But here... I'm surrounded by REAL THINGS HAPPENING. News. Art. Culture. Diversity. Politics. Issues. Dirt and grit and badness really makes you see the goodness in the world. The other day a homeless man opened the door for me, with his hat out. I had no change, just smiled and said thank you, feeling the usual discomfort I get in this kind of encounter. I guess he's not used to smiles, he told me I was beautiful, keep smiling, have a great day. I left feeling good as opposed to bad. Twenty paces later I stopped to help a lady with a cane get up the stairs. Would I have without that encounter? Probably. But it felt like Pay It Forward (bad movie, I know, but such a simple concept and it sure made me cry).

I see poverty. I see hopelessness. I see discrimination and cruelty and arrogance. Everyday. It hurts to know that the world, essentially, is a pretty bad place. We worry about our lives when across the world people hardly get to live. I feel apathetic, because I do nothing. I give my $30 a month to World Vision, and go on worrying about what I am going to do with a theatre degree. Sure, I really can't do much for them anyway, even if I hopped on a plane with all my money. I should live my life the way I want to. I have some sort of massive guilt complex. Interior decorating depresses me, yet I love and partake in it. Isn't that pathetic?

So. That's that for now. Boogadaboogadaboo. Is about how I feel today. And I bet the current life crisis is over by Monday. That's how it goes.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Reading Week (so far)

-playing and sucking at pool
-eating raw cookies
-church ("Jesus isn't real and he won't sleep with you")
-Stuuuuuuuuurling (hurrah for the woods and the fields)
-Chandra's kitchen table
-skip bo skip bo skip bo
-a smidge of reading
-Spinach dip and chillage at Winchester
-conversation hearts
-RENT DOGVILLE. Too long, too slow, quite magnificent.
-A G production.
-A jerk
-A county adventure (off roading, picnic, tree throwing, hayloft admiring)
-Impromptu board game night (CONJECTURES!)

I hate being ignored by people who are supposed to be answering my questions so I can get on with my work. You wrecked the productivity potential that I had this week. I hate playing games with Edward. I'm too competitive and a sore loser.

I love being this close (distance wise) with everyone for a short period of time, and everyone taking advantage of it properly. I love being in Stirling 3 times in one day. I love OUTSIDE, despite the cold.

I'm still sick.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Am I willing to move from the apartment I love to live with what would probably be the best roommate of all time?

Decisions, decisions.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Valentine's Day

I have a boyfriend. We did not celebrate Valentine's Day, because I hate, hate, hate it. This is the first year I have been in any sort of relationship at this time of year (unless you count J, but I sure don't). A tiny, tiny part of the girl inside me wants to acknowledge the holiday, because who knows the next time I'll be dating someone at this time. But who cares, really?

Today, all over Montreal I saw people walking around with flowers/red gift bags/ugly helium balloons. It was ridiculous. Back in small-town I guess I don't see that because no one uses public transportation. But every third woman and every fifth man was carrying something. How is it touching to receive a flower when almost all the other women in your metro car have one?

Anyway, reasons why this particular Valentines was ridiculous:
-yesterday I stepped on a thumbtack and I think I have tetanus.
-a ridiculous amount of procrastinating occurred.
-I put Bailey's on ice cream and went to class a bit loopy.
-class was at the bus station (invisible theatre, doncha know?) and an old lady broke my incognito/observer role when she asked me if I "needed any Valium" for my trip.
-flowers flowers everywhere
-loooooooooooooooooooong boring talk about forum theatre when the interesting video was SO CLOSE.
-stupid performance assignment is tomorrow and I'm not ready.

What made it good?
Mmm, a number of things.

Silly holiday. I'd pick effing Victoria day over Valentines.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

speculative

Friday, February 04, 2005

I think today I was part of some hidden camera reality tv show, based on sex and the city. Ridiculous.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

It's been a really really bad week. Worst week of 2005. I lost a roommate, gained financial problems, got scared, had a fight, worked really hard to keep up, and am lonely.

I am currently feeling very thankful for great friends here, for a great girls lunch and a boy who is taking care of me while I'm alone and works at a bank.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

It seems everyone is in a funk. I am. It sucks.

I don't want to live alone. At all. I'm already lonely, even if we didn't see each other a lot. And very, very overwhelmed.