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LIFE CRISIS ALERT!

It happens more and more often, I lose touch of where I am in my life and get stressed out and overwhelmed. Then I remember that I have great friends and am learning the things I want to learn. I remember that I make my own choices and that I am in charge of what goes on with me. Yet every few weeks ANOTHER LIFE CRISIS! AH!

It's funny how I feel so out of control and that nothing is really different than it was two minutes before the life crisis.

Anyway. Reading week was lovely. I didn't accomplish anything, which guilted me the whole time. But the small town was what I needed. I got off the train, back into my Montreal anonymity. I'm sucked into nothingness by tall gray buildings and meaningless faces that I will probably never encounter again, or at least I won't remember. I have my people here that I love and value and have fun with. But in Belleville I can't go to the mall without seeing at least ten people I know enough to chat with, if not twenty.

I miss my parents a lot. The water there is better. I eat real meals there. The sky is actually black at night, and I can go out of the house into my own backyard. There are trees. We can drive to the county without it being a huge deal.

But here... I'm surrounded by REAL THINGS HAPPENING. News. Art. Culture. Diversity. Politics. Issues. Dirt and grit and badness really makes you see the goodness in the world. The other day a homeless man opened the door for me, with his hat out. I had no change, just smiled and said thank you, feeling the usual discomfort I get in this kind of encounter. I guess he's not used to smiles, he told me I was beautiful, keep smiling, have a great day. I left feeling good as opposed to bad. Twenty paces later I stopped to help a lady with a cane get up the stairs. Would I have without that encounter? Probably. But it felt like Pay It Forward (bad movie, I know, but such a simple concept and it sure made me cry).

I see poverty. I see hopelessness. I see discrimination and cruelty and arrogance. Everyday. It hurts to know that the world, essentially, is a pretty bad place. We worry about our lives when across the world people hardly get to live. I feel apathetic, because I do nothing. I give my $30 a month to World Vision, and go on worrying about what I am going to do with a theatre degree. Sure, I really can't do much for them anyway, even if I hopped on a plane with all my money. I should live my life the way I want to. I have some sort of massive guilt complex. Interior decorating depresses me, yet I love and partake in it. Isn't that pathetic?

So. That's that for now. Boogadaboogadaboo. Is about how I feel today. And I bet the current life crisis is over by Monday. That's how it goes.