a little musing, a little philosophizing, a little ranting, a whole lot of nothing, really.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

It's funny that the kids who drive me crazy all week can also be the people I appreciate most in my life sometimes.

The glass pit is back... no matter what I say, playing with broken shards of glass is the most fun thing on the play ground.

I hate being lied to. No matter how small it is, no matter how inconsequential, there is nothing I hate more.

I hate that you can't stop feelings even if you know they're stupid.

I hate being a really emotional person, and too expressive. I hate knowing that people make fun of people like me.

I need a break.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

... Every party has a pooper...

And it was me. You know what isn't cool? Going swimming drunk. 'Haha, we're all young people out late at night, we should show off to each other by tossing our nearly naked bodies off the diving board and bringing bottles of beer into the pool. Also by throwing girls around. '

Yes, I'm like a mom. But it's NOT cool. Yes, I went swimming. And stuck to the edge, because even though nothing went wrong, the odds were pretty effing high. Of course we should have fun, and be crazy and do stupid things that are excused only because we're not quite adults yet. But it wouldn't be so fun and crazy if someone actually did get dropped, or a glass bottle got broken, or someone flipped someone a little too far and they hit the wall. That's when you read about it in the newspaper the next day and say "those stupid teenagers". And for some people, that seems to be the only way they'll learn, when someone finally gets hurt.

I value my friends because they are all mature and responsible, and for the most part last night they took care of themselves during all of this. And it was pretty fun. But I'm the one who went in and turned the light on. I'm the one who figured out where the telephone was, in case of an emergency, and kept an eye on everyone. I'm the one who wouldn't get in a pool noodle fight, because I saw how impaired some peoples visual judgement was and how close a few people were to getting pummeled.

So, yay for being young and all that jazz. Yes, I'm the party pooper. Sorry. I just don't want the fun I'm having one night to affect the lives of people because of a stupid accident that could have easily been prevented.

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Also: Sometimes the stupidest things really bother me.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

July

It's funny how some people can find me intimidating, yet I hate myself so much sometimes and feel socially awkward all the time. I've heard people call me confident, and that makes me laugh, because inside I'm constantly regretting words I use or decisions I make. I'm not charismatic or vibrant or funny, and I don't stand out, all things I want. I mean, I'm not a total reject, I know that I've got some good qualities. I'm not throwing myself a pity party (well, of course I am, this is an effing blog).

I'm not stupid, and I'm reasonably nice when I want to be. I am quite independant and very ambitious and dedicated. I'm a pretty good listener and I really truly love the people that are close to me.

So why do I always feel like a social reject and unlovable and hideous? I have incredible friends. Boourns.

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Camp is going relatively well. I got some really beautiful feedback from a parent that keeps me going when mostly I want all of the campers to wear duct tape for an hour a day.

The play will work. I'm proud of myself, now, because it is actually happening. I might lose money. I don't care. I did it... well, not really, but I'm getting there.

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This summer has been so ridiculously strange.