For the last little while I've been going through some sort of late-adolescence crisis... and I'm back in a not happy place. My life is going so so so fast, and I can't keep up with my thoughts and my wants and my ideas. I should be dead right now, I have dreams about car accidents. There is a lot of spinning, that is what I remember, spinning and seeing the curve ahead sign, seeing my end. Seriously thinking I'm going to die. I hate getting into a car. I hate highways and ice and the thought that anyone in any car could go through what I went through and not be so incredibly lucky.

I'm also questioning some life choices I've made. I am a theatre student. It's lots of fun. I know the value of art and how it has changed my life and the lives of some people I know. But when people ask me what I study, I feel almost embarassed to say I'm a theatre student. They think I want to be an actor, or some other career that is near impossible. I don't know what I want to do. I used to be okay with that. Suddenly it scares me a little. Maybe I'll be a teacher, maybe I'll work at a theatre, maybe I'll be a playwright, maybe I'll work for a Michael Moore, maybe I'll change my major and become a physiotherapist, I have no idea. That used to be exciting. It still is a little. But I hate not being able to tell people what my life is about, because they ask what do I study and what do I want to do? I've stopped explaining theatre and development, I've called the program theatre and education a few times. I find it fascinating. But impractical. I never said I was practical. I don't know what I am or where this is going.

Someone in my family is dying. We have known it was coming for a long time. I love her dearly, but she has not been the person I loved when I was younger for a number of years. I am terrified. I have lost a lot of people in my eighteen years. Death is familiar, it's awful but true. I don't know what I am feeling. Just a lot of loss. It is all accumulating, all these people who should still be a part of my life but aren't. People die. I will die. I could have died. I didn't. What does that mean, if anything?

I don't know where this is going. I don't know where I am going. THAT's my problem.
I don't know who I am supposed to be. Life is silly like that.

I still love my friends. I still go out and have lots of fun. I still smile and laugh. I am not unhappy. I am just in one of those places where I'm not sure what is going on or what I am supposed to be doing. I need a hug. I need someone to tell me what's going on. I need to be put back on the right track. I am terrified to go back to school.

Joyeux Noel!

"I know we're angry, but I'm not letting anyone here leave with a baseball bat..."

Boys. We've accepted that we'll never understand them, yet they still piss us off. I am SOOOOOO confused. I even was very brave and asked a question. That got a crappy answer. I immensely enjoyed the impromptu girl's night at LU's new pad (haha, I used the word PAD!). We all got it out, off of our chests and it was nice.

"How do they judge weightlifting contests? By time?"- TT
(silence)
"...No... by weight..." -ACB

I told a sap story to the girls. Which I shouldn't have. Because TT looked at me and laughed. And that's bad! Because she is my sister in no sap! We don't believe in sap. I just thought it was cute. Apparently I've participated in some PDA. For which I am insanely sorry. I am a disgrace! I love my girls, and it's always nice to be reminded how much I need them.

I'm really really happy. I'm not ready for Christmas, at all. But I am a happy camper.

Right now...

My car is being snowed in. It is a write-off, three hours away, with no back windshield, a giant dented roof and a mangled back end. I'm sorry car!

I am at home, and it is nice. I missed my parents, and I am adoring chilling with AR everyday. We stayed up too late the last two nights, reading the IKEA catalogue and talking. We had a really good chat last night. She knows a lot about me, and I know a lot about her, and it's nice to be able to tell someone EVERYTHING. Her and TT know all about me, and that doesn't scare me a bit. Which is good to have.

I know something that confuses me, but also makes me happy. I am interested to see how certain things develop. I will never understand some things. It's okay, because finally I KNOW something.

I had my first grilled cheese sandwich since September. Yum.

I have one more day of freedom before I go to work. I am enjoying the downtime immensely. I am not looking forward to the toystore at Christmas time. I don't have too much of a choice.

I am happy about life and people and Christmas and fun.

Last night

(AR and I are sitting in the kitchen, chatting, its 3 am. Suddenly there is a noise at the backdoor. AR jumps off the counter and runs to the corner. I get off the floor and hide in front of the fridge (?? I don't know either??))

AR: What was that?
Me: I don't know!
AR: Hold my hand!
Me: Ahhh! Can I tell you a story?
AR: Okay...
Me: My aunt's friend's friend had a cactus. One day she looked at it, and it was pulsing, and vibrating. She called the store where she bought it. The man said "Get out of the house right now and call an exterminator". So she did, and the exterminator came in time to kill the baby tarantulas that came out of the cactus.
AR: Ewww, that's comforting. What do we do?
Me: I don't know!
AR: Let's get out of here, quick!
Me: Okay, go!

(We run out the door and fall up the stairs until we make it to my room where we collapse in a giggle heap. We proceed to check out Amanda's room and closet and under the bed and bathroom...)

Okay, so it's not as funny written down as it actually was. But we were nearly wetting our pants between fear and laughter over a stupid noise. Life is funny.

Alive

On Saturday I was in a serious car accident. My car is a write-off, and I am okay. I have whiplash, and a sore back, but I walked out of that accident without a scratch.

I shouldn't have though. I'm trying to explain this to people, but they don't understand. I shouldn't be alive right now, or at least, not alive and fine. My car spun off a major highway and knocked over two massive signs. The back of the car hit these signs. The back of the car is totalled. What are the odds of me managing to knock over three giant wooden poles with the back of the car? One of the poles fell on my hood, directly in front of my windshield. The passenger side is bent in. If I had had passengers, they would not be okay.

I am so so so lucky right now. If the timing and angle and speed had been different, I would not be wasting my time typing this. People don't comprehend when I explain to them. I shouldn't be alive! But I am fine. What does it all mean? haha.

I prayed when I finally got home. I haven't prayed since I was 14 years old. If the timing had been ANY different... I would either have hit the signs with my side or the front of the car. I would have had the pole fall on my windshield or above my head. I would have rolled.

I don't really remember much, just being terrified, being jerked around, I remember hitting the first sign and hearing the breaking glass. I couldn't remember my address to give the paramedics. I couldn't figure out where my cell phone had gone. Why hadn't the broken windshield gone into the car? WHY AM I OKAY???

I am so lucky. I can't explain how lucky I am. And I want people to know too. But they see me as fine, I was actually feeling pretty good to see them on Saturday night. They didn't see the accident. No one did,really. They didn't feel all that smashing. They didn't see the car all broken. I CAN'T EXPLAIN HOW LUCKY I AM! I want them to know it was serious. I want them to know that I shouldn't be here right now. I want them to know how easy it is for that to happen, I hit some ice and that was it.

I know I've been playing the what-if game too much about this. But every what-if ends up with me dying or in the hospital, except for the "what-if I hadn't hit that ice" or "what if those signs hadn't been there". Lord.

FINI!!!!

J'ai fini mes examens!!!! Ma premiere semestre d'universite est complet! (I don't know how to do accents on my laptop...). I am a happy girl, who now must only chill until January 5th. And work a little. Meh, money will be nice.

I am finally 100% happy here. I love my new friends and my old friends. I love this city. I love adventures that will happen forever. I love holidays and lights. I love music and soynuts and good films. I'm in such a good mood I even love my boobs today! (Boobs have become a major theme in my life, it seems...).

For my boy people
Subject: Okay boys...
Date: Wed, 03 Dec 2003 16:33:08 -0500

Us girls are having a ladies night out on December 19th. You're not invited.

But after we dress ourselves up all gorgeous and go out, you are invited to come to our awesome MOCKTAIL PARTY! It's December 19th (Friday) and we'll be back at my house at about 7:30. Fancy dress is required. There will be yummy drinks, chocolate, and sexy ladies. Probably an overwhelming amount of estrogen and cleavage will be there too.

It will be fun. Come. Please?

If you don't want to dress up, there is another option. You are totally allowed to wear spandex.
Please do, if you have the inclination. You can also buy me flowers or bubbles. If you have the inclination.

C'est tout. VENEZ, s'il vous plait. RSVP me.

Meghan

I love you!

Boys

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
I don't understand and I never will.

"Who plays spin the bottle?!?!?!"
otherwise known as weirdest weekend ever

So my friends show up early, and it is a happy surprise. We chill. We go out for supper. We go to the grocery store. Of COURSE we need to get a 24 of beer (?!?!?!). Of COURSE they need to drink it that night. The topic of conversation is about 50% my boobs. (?!?!)

So we are loud and funny on Thursday.

Friday I bring AR and KW to class. KW is corrupted by a class on sexuality in art and a gazillion pictures of phalluses. We go back to the apartment. The boys have been "telling stories" for the four hours we are away. Grrrreeeat. We go to pick up CH and head to a party. I adore how theatre students all get along. It was a blast. Dancing to Rent and chatting. Everyone but ACB and I leave. We are all smashed. I hate that. We get back and just chill.

Chilling was a definite majority in our weekend events. We sleep in Saturday, we get up and go to the Biodome. Penguins are awesome. Awesome. We go out for dinner. We get back and drink more stupid alcohol. Here is where the interesting stuff begins. We play Queen of Thumbs. We play Have you Ever. We play truth or dare. We play Spin the Bottle (?!?!?!?!?!). We ask each other gazillions of questions to try and better understand the opposite sex.

Sunday we chill. We go to the Planetarium. Then we get lost for three hours at the mountains in the snow.

They go to leave on Monday. CH and I decide to go too. So now I'm at home. Not studying for an exam. But happy.

This weekend was weird. I can't even explain how weird. But awesome. I have learned a lot about my friends, about growing up, about the opposite sex, about sex. It was a very body postive weekend. Although I don't enjoy all the talk about my boobs, it was nice to be told that my body is not as hideous as I see it. Bayside Idol DID come up. I have kissed three of my friends, including my diaper buddy. I had to flash one. (WITH BRA). I got a million back massages.

I loved it. It was fun. I love people. I love Christmas break. I love that the stress will be completely gone on Friday. Life is good. This weekend was weird.