For the last little while I've been going through some sort of late-adolescence crisis... and I'm back in a not happy place. My life is going so so so fast, and I can't keep up with my thoughts and my wants and my ideas. I should be dead right now, I have dreams about car accidents. There is a lot of spinning, that is what I remember, spinning and seeing the curve ahead sign, seeing my end. Seriously thinking I'm going to die. I hate getting into a car. I hate highways and ice and the thought that anyone in any car could go through what I went through and not be so incredibly lucky.

I'm also questioning some life choices I've made. I am a theatre student. It's lots of fun. I know the value of art and how it has changed my life and the lives of some people I know. But when people ask me what I study, I feel almost embarassed to say I'm a theatre student. They think I want to be an actor, or some other career that is near impossible. I don't know what I want to do. I used to be okay with that. Suddenly it scares me a little. Maybe I'll be a teacher, maybe I'll work at a theatre, maybe I'll be a playwright, maybe I'll work for a Michael Moore, maybe I'll change my major and become a physiotherapist, I have no idea. That used to be exciting. It still is a little. But I hate not being able to tell people what my life is about, because they ask what do I study and what do I want to do? I've stopped explaining theatre and development, I've called the program theatre and education a few times. I find it fascinating. But impractical. I never said I was practical. I don't know what I am or where this is going.

Someone in my family is dying. We have known it was coming for a long time. I love her dearly, but she has not been the person I loved when I was younger for a number of years. I am terrified. I have lost a lot of people in my eighteen years. Death is familiar, it's awful but true. I don't know what I am feeling. Just a lot of loss. It is all accumulating, all these people who should still be a part of my life but aren't. People die. I will die. I could have died. I didn't. What does that mean, if anything?

I don't know where this is going. I don't know where I am going. THAT's my problem.
I don't know who I am supposed to be. Life is silly like that.

I still love my friends. I still go out and have lots of fun. I still smile and laugh. I am not unhappy. I am just in one of those places where I'm not sure what is going on or what I am supposed to be doing. I need a hug. I need someone to tell me what's going on. I need to be put back on the right track. I am terrified to go back to school.