Divide and conquer this land...

Welcome to crazy week, where everything is crazy. Friends will be there, then disappear, then reappear, without giving you time to question why or how this is happening. People will give you subtle signs that you don't understand but are aware of, then won't follow up, making you wonder. People you used to care about will make you realize that you no longer value them. You will question your own work, and the work of others, even though you are usually comfortable. You will be angry, and react in the opposite way that you usually would. You will never know what to expect next.

I am a person who cares very deeply, hurts very deeply, and dislikes very strongly. I am a mini-drama queen. Not on purpose though, usually I could care less what attention I receive. But when I'm hurting and angry, someone asks me "Are you okay?", I say "No, I'm not," and then they walk away, that has a way of making things worse. I have been in a blender this week. Frustrated, happy, excited, nervous, angry, tired, very sad, very disappointed. I've gone from loving my friends, to ready to ditch them all and find new ones, and back again. I'm confused, and irritable. I'm not happy. But I'm not really sad. It's not a nice place to be, undecided. And I have no more focus for school. At all. Shoot, eh?

a brick that weighs me down...

Do you know what I hate? When I find out that my friends are two faced. When my friends turn out to be people that I'm not sure I like. When people purposely hurt me. What a sucky day.

AAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Argh. ARGH! FB is a giant idiot. GIANT IDIOT HEAD. Tonight I was humiliated. We had the tech rehearsal for Bravo Bayside (which I was excited for last week). It was time for me to do my monologue. Sounds like a perfect time to set up the band! That girl is up onstage by herself, screaming to be heard over all the people talking anyways, let's move around and carry heavy equipment! Heck, let's not even learn the cues at this TECH REHEARSAL!!!! Who needs that? Let's make her feel so stupid that she doesn't even act, just says it as fast as she can so she won't be embarassed anymore. Then she'll really impress everyone. Ack! Then not even see when the lights need to go down, which is crucial, because she is supposed to TAKE OFF HER SHIRT!

I don't know when I have been so humiliated. I came home, screamed a very bad word at the top of my lungs, ate half a pineapple, and went back to school for the Footloose number. I had a little bit of an okay time, we made a little mosh pit for Beyond Control. Footloose was fun. However, afterwards, I went to the music room to get CM and RB, because CM had a headache and I was driving the two of them home. FB was there. All pleased with himself. Which pissed me off. There was nothing at that rehearsal worth being pleased about. The quality of the acts was excellent. However, there was yelling, fighting, and it was so disorganized I could cry (and almost did a few times!). So, I gave him a little talking to. I told him that this rehearsal should have been done last week, that not one person left that rehearsal feeling happy about performing (people wouldn't perform for fun would they?), and that I was extremely frustrated and mad with the no respect for performers issues, etc. And I kept pushing, I didn't let him get away easily. Which is an accomplishment for me, I used to be a pushover. Then I went outside and screamed. And broke my keychain.

I feel better though. I didn't want him to get away with letting everyone leave that rehearsal feeling like shit. Stupid man! I am full of anger. And I am extremely embarassed. However, people made me feel better. CM, RB, AW and I have had a long chat, AR, TT, etc. Yay for good friends.

I spent a good portion of the weekend with SD2, CM, JS. Making a Bravo Bayside video. It was fun, they are fun people, even though they are stupid boys. I did no homework though, and the consequences are bad. *sigh*. Life is so... scattered? Complicated? Eep. I don't have time for anything. I've gained back all the weight I lost this summer. That is the worst feeling in the world. I am tired, and grumpy, and behind. Oh well. That's the way it's been going for a L O N G time, and why should I expect it to change? I'm fine.

Playing it safe...

Bravo Bayside! Eeee, I'm quite excited! Except for all those people who are ready to kill FB, because he is an idiot. Why on earth does that man want to be in charge of something? He is just giving all the work to other people at the last minute. Very professional. What a great example for students! I'm doing my monologue in the show, and I'm actually quite nervous. I hope people like it. It's funny, but not really ha-ha funny. I need an audience reaction, not just the yukyuks of Mr G. We shall see.

My choir is doing a Garth Brooks song on Sunday!!!!!! I adore it! I love them today (can you tell we had a great practise?). They gave me hugs for no reason! They were sweet and nice! I'm looking forward to spending most of Sunday with them (I'll see how that ends up panning out on Sunday...).

I'm feeling good. Had a great, fabulous theatre trip yesterday, learned a TON. Christmas is coming, Bravo Bayside is coming, a new car is coming, I'll just ignore all the due dates that are coming.

I will always have your back, and be curious about you

My friends don't realize how much I love them, and how much I'm there for them. A few weeks ago, AR told me I was untrustworthy. I don't know when that happened, when I became "untrustworthy", but I don't think she realized how upset I was. I consider myself very trustworthy, when something is important, I know not to blab. But there has been a lot of gossip going on. Maybe that's what she was thinking. There's a difference between gossip and something important. I guess she doesn't see it that way. That's not what I want my friends to think about me! Because I care about people, I am compassionate, I can be an excellent listener, and I usually have realistic advice. I haven't had a good talk with anyone for a long time.

I have realized that LU and I will not be having any more good talks. She seems to resent me right now, and I'm not really sure why. I'm busy... I've changed since last year, a lot, and I am happier now. Does she resent that? I miss us just goofing off, and hanging out, that's what we always did best. Making brownies, jumping on the trampoline, watching game shows. Maybe I've changed too much for her, but I still think that we had a TON of fun. I miss it. But I don't want to change back to super-shy quiet M, who missed out on so many people, events, and feelings. But I don't want to lose LU. ARGH!!! That seems to be the word of the day. ARGH.

I am having a much better time at school, now that I have my co-op "spare". I have given myself my lunch as a break. For one hour, I will do no work. Because I work hard at school this year! There is always something really important to do, I have to pick priorities, and I have to recover the other subjects right after. So I spend an hour in the drama room, either just relaxing or dancing for Footloose. Today TT and I had some guys do the girls parts, and it was quite amusing when we got to the part where the girls grab the guys collars... I like fun. I like people, and music, and thinking, and not doing school work. It makes me happy. I like to be happy. I want to be happy.

Argh. Life is so complicated. And now I sound like Avril Lavigne. Great...

Have a little faith in me...

I'm feeling a little conflicted today, about a lot of things. So many things that it is blowing my mind. It seems that whenever I feel comfortable with who I am, what I do, what I believe, and all that, my mind just upheaves it, "Mua ha ha ha, start again M!". I want to be fun. I want to be someone that people like to hang around. But I'm so boring! I love to talk about nothing, I love to be with someone who I'm comfortable not talking with. People don't seem to get that though. And when I'm in an outgoing mood, I always feel like I'm being obnoxious. And we all know who gets on my nerves when they are being outgoing. Because they do get obnoxious. That's another thing, I'm having a difficult time just accepting people as they are. I want to, SO badly. It's just that my insides get all frustrated around certain people. Not many. Off the top of my head, I can just think of 2. Which is two too many.

I can't be myself, and I can't be someone else. So what do I do? Help me! Email me! Please! I need somebody.

Sleigh bells ring... are you listening?

It's only November 11th, and I'm already worried about Christmas, ahh! That's what I get for working in a toy store, I suppose. People get really mean! I am supposed to be studying, but I can't concentrate at all. Dammit! No wonder I have my first mark below 80! Meh. Another great philosophy.

We did a great performance piece at this morning's Remembrance Day assembly. I think it was very effective, and no one had a chance to get bored, because it was only about 8 minutes. We did it twice in first period, and by third period Mr. G had received letters saying how appropriate, effective, and well-done it was. I'm proud to have been a part of it. I learned a lot about what I feel during the preparation. Because I've never really dealt with war, it's hard for me to understand, and appreciate what I've got going for me. Of course I am thankful that Canada is a safe country. I just have such a problem with violence, and solving problems by shooting people. Then again, as I learned in prep for the performance, I am a member of society, and I do absolutely nothing to try and stop anything. If a bullet is shot, I've helped pull the trigger by not writing to my MP and saying what I believe. Of course it won't REALLY make a difference, but I will be acknowledged, and be able to say truthfully that I have done what I can without becoming a peace keeper. Life is too precious to spend fighting, as selfish as that sounds. War doesn't solve anything. It just creates grudges. And that's my lecture for the day.

I've got this feeling, that time's just holding me down...

It's funny how I tell myself how much homework I plan on getting done this weekend, and then looking at the amount I actually do. I am having a riot at school with Footloose for Bravo Bayside. I am getting a little more work done, and I know that sometimes I have just stick to it, and do some work. What's stressing me now is University applications for out of province that have to go out this week. Ahhh! I'm not ready!

Going out for Chinese food tonight! Haven't done that in a VERY long time. Looking forward to it. AR is coming, and I hope we have a chance to talk. I never see her, and when I do, we just end up talking about work, and about LU. I'm not saying it isn't nice to get that stuff of my chest to someone I can trust, but I miss when we talked about everything. And AW is going through a lot of hard crap with her family. Parents can be very stupid. I know from experience, and from meeting some of my friends parents. It's just difficult when sometimes you feel more mature and considerate than your father (or mother, I guess) who is supposed to be a role model figure.

But that's life. That's life. A philosophy from CM, which has actually been extremely helpful the last little while, when I finally believed it. Have a good week.

unapologetically alive knot in my stomach

Everyone is stressing!!! Ahhh! Stress! Stupid goddamn stress about school, about work, about parents, friends, life. It sucks! But I'm okay again. Last week I flipped at a few people, some of them deserved it, some didn't. I went to school all day, work some evenings, and did homework, literally, the whole rest of the week. It was an awful week. Then Friday I got the rest of my stupid wisdom teeth out, now I'm in a TON of pain, and I worked all day, and thought I was going to die! The thought of eating anymore pudding makes me want to vomit. Last night at AW's I ate 8 slices of processed cheese, because I could swallow it. Isn't that disgusting??

I saw a man hit his kid today at work. Not a hard hit, but a little smack on the head. I almost threw up, or punched him in the face. You don't do that!!!! You can't teach kids that hitting is wrong, then smack them over the head when they want you to buy them a toy! I think it was Bad Parent Day at TRU. Another little girl came walking down the aisle I was working in going "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mom?..." She was super-calm, and everything. So we went to look for her mom. When we found her mom, on the other side of the store, she hadn't even realized her daughter was missing. I had to refrain from hitting her too. Some people shouldn't be allowed to have children.

I am calmer now than I used to be. I can accept that I'm not perfect. I can accept that I don't like everyone, and not everyone likes me. It's going to be okay, no matter how often it feels like I'm screwing up nonstop with EVERYTHING. Everything is okay. Okay. Okay?