Ditch the logical...

Went to a lovely party tonight with some of my regular friends, but some who I rarely see. It was wonderful and fun, and I know that a break is the right thing for me. It's good to know, because I feel happy. As I should, as my life is good.

Time for a change

I've been feeling down recently. Which makes me feel worse, because I promised myself that I wouldn't... well, this is really cheesy and I don't want it to come out of my mouth (or my fingers, I guess)... I don't want to "sweat the small stuff". Because I know that all my "problems" are ridiculously insignificant in the scheme of things. I have an incredible life. So, I'm going to write a list of things that I am grateful for, that keep my life good, to remind me that things aren't as bad as I keep feeling like they are.

1. Two or three great, great friends who I can talk to about anything and that have faith in me.
2. Making cool new friends.
3. Being able to goof off at work without getting fired.
4. Being able to spend time by myself and not get bored.
5. Making money.
6. Having time to waste for the first time in a very very long time. And finding ways to not waste time.
7. Having a ridiculous number of opportunities in the not so far away future.
8. Having a few family members that I love and would do anything for, they would do the same for me.
9. Having sunny days.
10. Driving. Still being alive from my stupid accident.
11. Laughing until I cry and my stomach hurts.
12. Having enough food and money to live more than comfortably.
13. Listening and being listened to.
14. Being comfortable with my values and morals.
15. Occasionally having people listen to my values and morals and opening their eyes to the rest of the world.
16. Learning (I'm such a dork!)
17. Reading
18. Listening to great music.
19. Writing in my journal when I'm in a good mood.
20. Being ALIVE.

There are a few things I am happy for. And there are more. So what if I've grown in a different direction then a lot of my friends? I still get along with most of them. I have a good life. If I don't enjoy it, it's nobodies fault but my own. And those that purposely hurt of course, but as I get stronger, that happens less and less. Now, THIS is a good feeling.

Yesterday was a different time,
Yesterday I had friends.
Not that I don't!

Yesterday seems far away,
a different me, a different life.
It actually was.
I am not the same.
My life is certainly not the same.

Things change, I know that, and have learned to embrace it. But others don't embrace it, or my change, at least, and I look back and know that the new me isn't liked. The question: Should I find the old me to make others happy? Or should I be who I am, and be unhappy because I am unliked? I love my friends. But it doesn't seem as hard to leave in September as it seemed before.

Bored already

So, summer started last week... and I am bored. All I have scheduled to do this summer is work, which is two or three times a week. Then... what? There's been a lot going on with end of school year parties, which is fun, but too much for me. I've been in a car accident, so now I can't spend lots of money on anything at all. It's all going to my charge and stuff for my new apartment.

I can't get over being bored already! Today we went to the beach, but everyone got tired and left early. So, I went out and had an adventure by myself (not a very exciting one). Well, maybe a break from my friends will be really nice. Not that I don't love them, just some more me time might help me not be bored.

Wow. This is really boring! Sorry! I'll go colour some more :).

OVER! FOREVER!

And so a four year chapter of my life ends, high school, done forever, thank God! Not that I didn't like it, I have fabulous memories, especially from grade 11 and 12, but I hated the school part. It's so restrictive and binding. I love my friends, even if I don't show it enough. I love the fun we have, I love the spontaneity (sp?), the adventures, the comfort we all have with each other. Although sometimes it's creepy:)...

We went to the beach yesterday, after the last exam. It was gray, but the sun came out, and it was SO much fun, even though the water was cold. We dug a giant hole, and a not so giant hole, and boogie boarded, and stole a sign and then put it back. Then we went to Kim's house for the weirdest party ever ever ever. But fun. Now I am exhausted. And a little confused, but no big deal.

Someone apologized, and they have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you. I won't say you didn't hurt me, because you did, a lot. But I appreciate the apology, and I hope we both learned something.

I am feeling quite a bit better, things are okay for me, but my family is going through some awful stuff, well, mom. I feel awful for her, but there is nothing I can do. I still worry about it, but I don't see it in my mind as much. Thank God.

I can't wait for this summer. I can't wait for University. I am so happy and excited.

I give up!

Well.

Let me be confused. Let me not know what I want. I'm sorry that I'm unhappy in a time that's inconvienient for you. It's inconvienient for me too. Don't tell me that I will lose all my friends because I am confused and unhappy and contradicting myself. If that's the kind of friend you want to be, fine. If I lose friends because I am not entitled to be in a bad state of mind, then I guess I didn't want them anyway. But it's not all of them. It's one. I'm sorry that my personal trauma is pissing you off.

No bold today.

I'm thinking about everything. I'm getting by by myself, and I can't decide if that's good, or if I want to bring my friends into this. It's not their problem, and I don't know if I could make them understand the magnitude that this has taken for me.

I'm not depressed anymore, just confused, tired. I don't know what I want. I feel as though I've lost most of my friends. I know it would be my fault too, which adds to feeling shitty. I hate right now SO much. I need a time machine.

Well then...

I just reread what I wrote this evening. A little hardcore. Things are bad. It's okay. I'm okay. I've gone through, well, not worse, but other bad shit. I just need a hug.

Worthless

So, you know when everything seems worthless? You wonder why you do what you do, what you accomplish, is it important? That's where I am at right now. Nothing's important anymore. Not a single thing.

People get all worked up over school, over fights, over hurt feelings. Why? It becomes a competition, who has the busiest life, the most social activities, the most homework, the most commitments, the most... who fucking cares? Who cares when the world is falling apart all around us. Sure, I know it's fun to hang out, to sit around, to laugh, to chat. That can't be my whole life. Problem is, I don't know where to find more.

So, my something bad that happened is basically destroying my life, slowly, as I think about it more and more. As I think about how insignificant one person's life is. I know I'm a complaining bitch bore, but suddenly my life has absolutely no meaning, the stuff I do has no meaning. This week I've been trying to go go go to take my mind off this, and if I stop, even for a second, all I can see... is a picture I don't need in my head.

Everyone's like "oh, you can talk to me" or "you gonna live?" Yeah. I'm going to live. Don't make light of something you know nothing about. I know you mean well, I'm sorry. I'm just in a very bad place right now, and feeling very little support. Maybe because I am pretending nothing happened. Maybe people didn't notice. But ouch, there's a kick in the pants. Meghan feels like shit. Let's go play.

I'm sorry. This is how I've been feeling. I don't care about things that used to mean a lot to me. That's a bad feeling. Pretending I'm okay when I'm really not is hurting too, I'm very strained. But if I stop, all I see.

So, I've rambled enough.

Oh. Dear.

So I went to Paris and it was fabulous, wonderful, fantastic, terrific. I had a great time, saw so much and have decided to go back.

Then I got home. Something bad happened this weekend. Very, very, very bad. Bad enough to make me realize how insignificant all the rest of my stupid little problems are, how people get worked up over nothing. I don't know how to react. I'm pretending nothing has happened. I told three people, because I had to tell one, and two others were around. I broke down. I don't have time for this shit. I don't have time or energy, and all of a sudden I feel hopeless. All I can see in my head, over and over is...

Oh dear. Oh, God.