YUR(I)T

I just went winter camping for the first time. I had a riot. I got to actually talk to my friends! I've been so busy that sometimes I forget why I need them around. I learned a lot, it was dirty little secret night. The drive up was fun (including stopping in the highway...). The outdoors was fun. The cooking was fun. The burning french was fun. The dollar store candles lighting the yurt was fun. The talk was probably my favourite part though. I miss talking. Knowing other people's secrets really makes me feel good. They trust me enough to tell something private. Too bad I can't say the same for one of them... whoops, I let out something really REALLY embarassing. My most embarassing moment. And HP makes fun of me in a restaurant. I thought I could trust her. We'll see.

I missed them so much. I'm so pleased with our trip. Another step on the ladder to cosmopolite!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so happy today! I am in two shows! I am in the Vagina Monologues (*God, I'm so glad to be a part of that*), and I just got a role in Ring Round the Moon down at the theatre guild. I am immersing myself in theatre, and it feels good (I say this before I am burned out and bitter...). I'll also be doing Lion in the Streets at school. And performing in ALL of them. Not ASMing, not props. ONSTAGE. It feels good. This is my last year in high school, and probably the last time I'll have to perform for a l o n g time.

I get a fight scene! I get two dresses! I get pretty hair. I get to dance (that should be interesting). I'm very very very excited. I love theatre so much. This is just so incredible. And I'm gushing. Sorry. Just yay.

You bored me...

I am neutral. It's a nice place to be. Now off to study, because to pass, I must pass my exams. Eeep, I'm so terrified!

What I'd like to tell someone.

I don't even know if you read this. But if you do, for whatever reason, it's time for you to realize I'm pissed off at you. Sometimes. It's wavering. But I'm still not happy with you or your behaviour towards me. You act like it's the same as it was before. It isn't. Friendship doesn't work that way, and I realized how long it's been since we had a meaningful conversation. That wasn't about that. I know that that is what is important to you right now. You want advice, I'll give you advice, or whatever. But that can't be it. I'm sorry if I've been rude, I have no right to be rude with you without telling you how I'm feeling, or what I'm upset about. I just can't even articulate it to myself.

Maybe it's just me, but I doubt it. I'm sorry. I don't like being upset at people. I don't even know if it's totally justified. But that's what I'm feeling.

I wrote a very long post about feeling lonely. Because I've always been happy single. I am not ever meant to be part of a "couple". But every day, I turn on the computer, and my high speed sends me a million date.com ads. My friends are all hooking up. I'm not really lonely. I can't imagine myself "dating" someone. Not really. There is too much pressure in this society, telling me I can't be happy alone. Up yours, society! I'm f***ing happy. All by myself. Because I am a whole person. Not giving in to your ridiculous pressure.

Find some other person to make lonely. I'm an only child, I've been lonely my whole life, I can take your bull! Bring it on.

Right. I deleted the other post, because it was a rant. This is actually a worse rant. Oh well.

Remind me to care, please

Exam time coming up. Eeep. I'm having a hard time focusing or caring. I spend too much time on the internet. And I always end up going out. I know I should be staying in. But I can't! Friday night was KW, JA, and CT's bday party. We had another murder mystery party. I guessed who the murderer was, hurray me! Good time. Saturday I worked, then got a call from Amanda, and ended up spending an hour in Subway, half an hour in Tim Horton's and saw a movie with her, CS, CM, RB. Sunday I did homework most of the day, then went to CMs, where we were perfecting our squares... too much food!

Something that I am looking forward to immensely is The Vagina Monologues, coming up in Feb. I am SO happy to be a part of this. This is such a powerful piece of theatre, and I am getting to go onstage and help bring it forth, to the brave souls who were able to ask for tickets for a show with the word Vagina in it. I am sharing a monologue with another girl, and am part of the list segment. I want my friends to come see it. Some are very enthusiastic, others don't want to come at all. I wish that they "got" theatre. That they let it work it's magic, that TV and movies will never have, and they will be swept away and learn a lesson. I am so excited for this performance. First rehearsal tommorrow night!

Things are all right, again. I am getting along with my friends. I am not worrying about school (although I probably should be). I am in a show. A new semester is coming. I just found some stickers!

Holy craziness Batman!

Had a good time last night. Batman party/pizza and ice cream eating party. Yuck I'm sick. It was nice to see everyone in a calm, "hanging-out" environment. I laughed a lot. I thought a lot. It was nice. TT and AW spend the night, and we ended up doing yoga on the kitchen floor until almost 3 in the morning. And eating carrot cake. Ugh, thinking back on all the food I ate, I just want to vomit! It was a great night, with no one excluded. And no alcohol. And no vomiting. Remind me again why those kinds of parties are fun?

Big ball of anger that won't go away

I'M MAD! Sometimes I swear I must be manic-depressive, I'm up and down so fast. Since the New Year's party, which I can look back on and say: I'm glad I wasn't as drunk as them, I found that disappointment has been building in me for a long time. People are changing, I know that, I've known that, but maybe I've just been to busy to really sit down and think about it. I lost respect for a lot of people I had SO much respect for. I can't just say "they were drunk, it's okay", or "they won't do it again". I don't know if they will or not, and I don't care, because they did it once and I wasn't all that surprised.

I realized that I never need or ask for acknowledgement of friendship. I do things for people if I can. I like to do things for my friends. When everyone was in a stupid fight, I depended a lot on one person, who I have been friends with for awhile, because I knew I could trust him. We did a lot of things together. I was very grateful to have someone left who was a friend. But I don't know if he is really. I seem to have ended up his relationship consultant, his chauffeur, someone to pull his head out of a puke bucket. He puked on me. This is not a friendship anymore. I lost respect for a person I had a ton of it for. That doesn't really matter, right? It happens all the time. What does get me is that he doesn't care. He doesn't even notice. Friendships don't have to be 50/50, but I need to feel some effort or caring coming from the other side.

There are other cases too, but I don't want to write them down, because I'm pretty sure they will either mend with time, or might not be worth it. I hate the unstableness my friendships have taken on. I hate that my year has started with me doubting again. I am so super-duper confused. Angry at myself, at them, at life, at everything. But I'll just put my smile on. Because no one cares.

Well... well. Welcome 2003. I guess.

So, I have my first hangover. Yuck. YUCK. Never again, at least not for a very, very long time. Went to a lovely family style party at EV's, it was fun, but I didn't know everyone, and the actual 12 o'clock ringing in of the New Year was pretty anticlimatic. That's alright, because everyone was going to AW's house after, and I was going to know everyone there. A few of us got there before AW, and drinks were out. I wasn't worried, of course people were going to drink. It was expected. I had a cooler. No big deal. We were laughing, nothing to worry about. Until people downstairs started having shots. And people upstairs. And believe it or not, stupid stupid me was kind of one of them. (I wasn't stupid enough to have a competition, just stupid enough to not think that a few small bits of hard liquor would harm me...). I am so naive. I don't drink. I never drink. I'm the one who tells others not to. Because I know for a fact that we can have just as much, if not more fun, without alcohol. We are all creative, fun individuals, who make up wacky games. I kind of thought most of those people were above drinking to get drunk. Nope.

CM was gone pretty fast. He vomited on my feet. I had to sit with him and pull his head out of the garbage can. He had vomit in his hair. I love him a lot, but a lot of respect was lost this morning. I know he regrets it, but he's treating it like a joke. It's not a joke, I wish he could have seen himself last night while AW's mom held a bucket for him. He looked stupid. CS was hugging a toilet most of the night too, poor dear. Tell me again why drinking is fun? AW sobered up pretty quickly (as did I, when I had to worry about almost every single person there. I think I am a pretty boring drunk. But someone had to make sure things were safe).

I am not impressed with a few people. Nothing last night shocked me. It wasn't a real surprise. I just get... disappointed in people. AR, the queen of anti-PDA was making out with RB non-stop right in front of everyone. She wanted to "talk it over" the next day to make sure things were still good between us. Our relationship hasn't changed, just my perception of someone I admire. S and J... well, whatever. I just don't get how that ends up being considered fun! We have one guy puking all over the chair, the floor, my feet... We have CS in the bathroom all night. There's R who can't decide to laugh or cry, and can't stand up straight. TE, who would not shut up, and who wanted to help but just got in the way and on nerves. AW had a lot to deal with, and to be a host at that party, eek. SD had to chaperone his girlfriend. MV had to be a nurse, so did JS and KS, and JL and I. That was not fun. MW had to keep people sane. There was just too much going on. And to think that people are going to look back at that, laugh, and do it all again? My stomach is very upset with me. I'm not impressed with several people. I'm having mixed emotions about several things. I feel... very alone. I'm not sure why. I miss... something.

It wasn't a bad time. It was just different, and not as good as many others. Which is too bad. I learned a TON. I'm just super conflicted. And no one really cares about how I'm feeling. But they haven't for awhile. Happy New Year, everyone. I hope that you don't feel like me, and are looking forward to a new year. I'm dreading what comes up next.