Ordinary Day...

Happy New Years! Looking forward to the New Years Party, and the after-party. No resolutions, except to make myself happy. Because I spend too much time trying to make others happy. It's my turn. Am I selfish or what? :) Have fun, be safe!

Happy Holidays!

I am out of my bitchy phase. So I'm sick, and it's Christmas, big deal! So my mom makes fun of my sick, scratchy, quiet voice. That's okay. I just reaffirmed some more friendships, and decided that I do have a LOT of happiness in my life, I just have to remember where to look. I have to be calm, accept things as they come. So this is Christmas. I am at home after going to the tail end of a Christmas party, where I saw my friends. I laughed, even though I've felt crappy all day.

I will be healthy by the time Christmas gets here, I will have all my presents wrapped. I will be thankful for what I have, and I think that I have told all the people who are important to me that they are important to me. I hope they know that. Merry Christmas everyone, happy holidays. Be safe!

Bah, humbug!

I'm sick. It's almost Christmas, and I'm sick. It snuck up so fast this year, I still am not finished shopping, I haven't done any baking, I just started cards and haven't started wrapping yet. I work tommorrow too. I was supposed to work today, but I am feeling crappy. So I'm not in a very Christmasy mood. This Christmas break isn't really much of a break. I'm sick, and I work. Then I have to scramble to finish everything for Wednesday. Then I work.

I've always loved Christmas, loved the sentimental peace on earth crap, but working in a toy store, I've learned a few things about people. I always knew Christmas was commercial, but honestly, you wouldn't believe the people who come in. Gifts are expressions of affection for people. Not hassles. And maybe if people didn't leave all their shopping until a week before hand they wouldn't get all disappointed. Then again, who am I to talk? It's been a long weekend. I feel yucky, and grumpy.

I did have a lovely day Friday though, with my friends. Friends who I thought I had lost are still mostly okay. Things will be okay. Even if I'm in a bad mood, and very sick, I still have cheer for everyone else. If I don't write anything before Wednesday, have a WONDERFUL HOLIDAY!

Heinz 57

I like trust. Trust is good. Trust is comforting. I like to be trusted. I like to trust people. However, in my life right now, this is not very possible. I am a reasonably guarded person. I don't want to get hurt because I trust too easily sometimes. I have made a choice this week. I have chosen not to trust many of my "old friends". They are not trustworthy, and in one case I barely feel comfortable speaking in front of her. She can twist words too easily. Another has proven to me that my "old friends" are definitely not the people I made friends with a long time ago. Maybe it's me. I know that both myself and they have changed. Some for the better, some for the worse.

In changing I have learned about myself. I have learned that I am a creative individual that wants to believe in a little bit of good in everyone (hard to say when you work in a toy store at Christmas time). I can be an open person. I am a creative person. I can have fun in many different ways, and I can act in many different ways.

But I am getting bad reactions from some "old friends". Is this a sign that our friendships have met their ends? If I can't trust them, or they don't like the "new, negative" me, should I change to suit them? I feel a little liberated, being allowed to say what I want to who I want. But that seems to be making me out as a bad person.

I had a long talk with AR last night. I got a lot out. But it didn't come to anything, because deep down I think I knew that she kind of agreed with the "ringleader of old friends". At least, she didn't say anything. I just ended up opening up to no response. I'm glad we had the talk, because I needed to tell someone, but right now I don't even know who I trust. I just told her a LOT of stuff that I can't have repeated to people. And I don't know what to do. I know deep down that I can trust her, but maybe she doesn't want to hear things from me. Maybe it's time for new friends. Who can accept me for me "bad attitude" and all. I have found two. And that makes people even more upset. I can't please anyone. I am unhappy, because I don't know if my friends are friends. I don't know what to do. And I am very angry.

Here we go again...

Sigh. Just when you think the soap opera has ended, turns out we were on a little word from our sponsor. I am unhappy with a lot of my friendships right now. I know relationships take work. But I don't believe that they need as much work as I am having to give them. I talked to poor AR on the phone last night for a good half hour about nothing. I'm just so unhappy with people that I started to cry and I'm tired of being a frigging tap. I just cry. I didn't used to. And I consider myself a stronger person now than I was. I just can't please anyone right now. LU is mad at me, I am having inner issues about BB (backstabbing b****), AW and I haven't talked for... two months, my mom is upset with me, I can't focus on school anymore, I can't stop crying, even when I'm happy issues weigh me down. I am not a happy camper.

I am lonely. I used to have my friends to talk to about anything. Now everyone is too busy with everything and no one has time for their old friendship with me. I know, I know, I'm super-busy too, they might even be able to say the same thing about me. But things still aren't working, and I'm still phenomenally sad even if I have people like TT who end up being better friends than the ones I have been close to for years. I miss things the way they were. But I don't know if anything going on right now is worth it. Are my old friends really worth it? I believe some are, for sure. But I'm tired of having to watch whatever I say, because it gets twisted around and told to someone else in a way I didn't even intend. I'm tired of hearing about the things that go on behind my back. Gossip is fine, but nothing is going on in my life that warrants as gossip. It's just hurtful, what gets said, and I NEVER EVEN SEE THE PEOPLE WHO DO THE TALKING. How do they get these stupid things in their heads for the purpose of hurting me? What kind of friends do that? Argh.

On a higher note, I had a great trip today to TO to see Mamma Mia. It was exactly what I expected, a very fun show (crappy dancing though, what's up with that?). I got some more Christmas shopping done, I talked to TT, we put stuff in CM's hair on the bus, made up games. CM and I went onto some bus at a pit stop to see what movie they were watching. It was a good outing, a good day off of school, and I can't wait for Christmas holidays. Just the thought makes my heart SO happy. I need a break so badly. A good day, with bad things going on in the background. I sent LU an email asking her what's up. So, it should be an interesting day tommorrow.

Satisfaction Guaranteed
I'm feeling very creative today. I want to do a craft, or write something, or make a film. I had such a good weekend. I had time for myself *gasp*, time to think, and to do what I wanted to do. I went with TT to paint pottery on Friday, then we went to TO to see Contact, which was FABULOUS. It was so... good, I almost cried at the end of the first act. I love theatre, and I feel comfort in my University applications that went out today (eek) that theatre is what I want to do, in some way or another. If people can be touched like I was on Friday by the heart that went into creating a story, then that is what I want to do. I wish I could dance or sing!

My choir had their Christmas show today. It was fabulous. I love them, and it was the cutest thing I've seen in awhile. I don't know who got it into their heads to write a children's Christmas Christian Star Trek musical, but God bless them! We had these cute little Star Trek badges, and an Energizer bunny, and a country duet, and a Scottish Spock. And I got presents :). That's one thing I love about being a little kid choir director, I remember getting my teacher and dance teacher and all of those people presents. I have SO many Christmas ornaments from my kids (my kids..?) that I can take away with me when I have my own home. One of them picked a "Girl's Night Out Fund" jar for me, I decided to keep gas money in there. Sometimes I feel like a chauffer, it will feel better if I'm paying for gas with spare change.

I feel so good! I had about a day in total of me time, doing what I wanted to do, and I'm happy. I wish I could have some time everyday. I guess that's just not possible. I feel like I'm... stifled by school and work. I want to do creative things, which are usually spontaneous. I don't have time for spontaneity. It's too bad.

Cartwheels turn to car wheels Slow the circles down!

I want to be little again! I hate that my life is so busy that I have to schedule sleep, or making Christmas presents. Booking time off work to sit down and watch a video is not something I can plan a week in advance. I'm tired, frustrated, stressed. I haven't had enough sleep... since September. I don't stop. My free time consists of preparing for the next thing I have to do. I am always behind. I am always disappointing someone. I have yelled at two teachers in two weeks. This is bad! When I do my homework I always have to pick what is the most important, meaning I have to forget something. I am doing a second-rate job, sometimes third-rate, where usually in school I could handle and do well in all my classes. AND teach Sunday school, and direct choir, and dance, and go to meetings, and have time for myself. Will the rest of my life be this busy and stressful? Will I have to schedule a nap if I need one? I don't like this. I need at least 3 more hours in the day.

Today I wondered if I would be better off dead. Not that I would ever have the guts to kill myself, then I would be letting all kinds of people down. I just think that that seems to be the only way I could get a break. If I got mono, or slit a wrist. I'm not trying to be morbid, or seek attention. I just need a break. Even if it was just a day. One whole day would seem like Paradise. One day without homework. Maybe I'd make some Christmas cards, and presents. I wouldn't have to worry about my stupid friends getting mad at me for stupid things. I would be able to think about life, not what I am supposed to be doing. I feel like I'm going to explode, my poor body can only take so much. I wonder what it would be like to quit school, work, and just ENJOY life. Live it. Who needs money, I've got a home, I've got a little cash. But then I would be uneducated. And we can't have that. I must be smart, pump my head full of knowledge, a lot of it I don't care about and have no interest in. I want to learn what I want, I want time to think, I want a regular schedule with time for everything. I've been busy since grade 8, but never so much I considered dying. What a year.

www.adiosbarbie.com

Figure it a-a-all out... e-ah-e-ah-a

Bah, humbug. Working at a toy store does not increase my holiday spirit. Rotten spoiled children, with rotten evil parents come in nonstop. Get angry when we don't have something, or have no idea what they are explaining ("well, it's round, but tall, and comes in a blue box, gosh, I forget the name... I'm not sure what it does... I don't know what brand it is... Oh, it's in that commercial!"). I apologize for not being able to identify every single toy in the GIANT toystore. There are quite a few, if you haven't noticed.

I am not doing my homework. I am applying for Universities THIS WEEK, and I haven't decided exactly what I want to take. I have to create audition pieces, different for every school. I have to be pretty and sing. Sorry, something I can't do. I am having a body image crisis this week. I was talking to AW, who was having her own upset yesterday, and suddenly I realized that ALL the weight I lost this summer is back. I know I'm fat. It's okay, I mean, it gives me great cleavage... but when I went down a pant size, it felt so good! I could look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted. Now I'm disgusted again. If only I had time! All my spare time that I could go to the gym is time where I'm working, doing homework, sleeping. I know I can lose weight, and I know how good it feels. Why can't I do it again? Stick with the disgusting protein shakes? Work out regularly? It made me feel better. I don't know, I guess I'm more of an intellectual person then a physical person.

I am not very happy. I'm just frustrated. With so much stuff. I need a hug. Sigh.