Cartwheels turn to car wheels Slow the circles down!

I want to be little again! I hate that my life is so busy that I have to schedule sleep, or making Christmas presents. Booking time off work to sit down and watch a video is not something I can plan a week in advance. I'm tired, frustrated, stressed. I haven't had enough sleep... since September. I don't stop. My free time consists of preparing for the next thing I have to do. I am always behind. I am always disappointing someone. I have yelled at two teachers in two weeks. This is bad! When I do my homework I always have to pick what is the most important, meaning I have to forget something. I am doing a second-rate job, sometimes third-rate, where usually in school I could handle and do well in all my classes. AND teach Sunday school, and direct choir, and dance, and go to meetings, and have time for myself. Will the rest of my life be this busy and stressful? Will I have to schedule a nap if I need one? I don't like this. I need at least 3 more hours in the day.

Today I wondered if I would be better off dead. Not that I would ever have the guts to kill myself, then I would be letting all kinds of people down. I just think that that seems to be the only way I could get a break. If I got mono, or slit a wrist. I'm not trying to be morbid, or seek attention. I just need a break. Even if it was just a day. One whole day would seem like Paradise. One day without homework. Maybe I'd make some Christmas cards, and presents. I wouldn't have to worry about my stupid friends getting mad at me for stupid things. I would be able to think about life, not what I am supposed to be doing. I feel like I'm going to explode, my poor body can only take so much. I wonder what it would be like to quit school, work, and just ENJOY life. Live it. Who needs money, I've got a home, I've got a little cash. But then I would be uneducated. And we can't have that. I must be smart, pump my head full of knowledge, a lot of it I don't care about and have no interest in. I want to learn what I want, I want time to think, I want a regular schedule with time for everything. I've been busy since grade 8, but never so much I considered dying. What a year.