Heinz 57

I like trust. Trust is good. Trust is comforting. I like to be trusted. I like to trust people. However, in my life right now, this is not very possible. I am a reasonably guarded person. I don't want to get hurt because I trust too easily sometimes. I have made a choice this week. I have chosen not to trust many of my "old friends". They are not trustworthy, and in one case I barely feel comfortable speaking in front of her. She can twist words too easily. Another has proven to me that my "old friends" are definitely not the people I made friends with a long time ago. Maybe it's me. I know that both myself and they have changed. Some for the better, some for the worse.

In changing I have learned about myself. I have learned that I am a creative individual that wants to believe in a little bit of good in everyone (hard to say when you work in a toy store at Christmas time). I can be an open person. I am a creative person. I can have fun in many different ways, and I can act in many different ways.

But I am getting bad reactions from some "old friends". Is this a sign that our friendships have met their ends? If I can't trust them, or they don't like the "new, negative" me, should I change to suit them? I feel a little liberated, being allowed to say what I want to who I want. But that seems to be making me out as a bad person.

I had a long talk with AR last night. I got a lot out. But it didn't come to anything, because deep down I think I knew that she kind of agreed with the "ringleader of old friends". At least, she didn't say anything. I just ended up opening up to no response. I'm glad we had the talk, because I needed to tell someone, but right now I don't even know who I trust. I just told her a LOT of stuff that I can't have repeated to people. And I don't know what to do. I know deep down that I can trust her, but maybe she doesn't want to hear things from me. Maybe it's time for new friends. Who can accept me for me "bad attitude" and all. I have found two. And that makes people even more upset. I can't please anyone. I am unhappy, because I don't know if my friends are friends. I don't know what to do. And I am very angry.