Wednesday

So I was busy busy busy and ridiculously tired. I decided that this afternoon would be mine, to clean the bathroom and do groceries and read (Oh, the exciting life I live). But I want to be out there. I don't know where. I find it hard to believe that I am taking theatre and am doing no theatre. I don't want to let this transition that I am going through to take away the part of myself that I've already found. The part of me that loves to dance, and sing. The part that loves to love people and take care of friends, and create things and laugh. The part of me that makes me smile and feel like I'm not just wasting my time on earth and that I can DO SOMETHING for someone.

I don't even know where this is going. I'm not unhappy. I'm not very happy either. I'm just confused again. How do I meet the people I want to meet? I've made some friends here. But they like to go to clubs, they like to drink and smoke and not value schoolwork. Which is okay, I can understand that. Not having cares.

But just reading my AdBusters and reading plays and thinking is not what I need to do to say what I want to say. I was just getting on the right track back home. I had my peace bumper stickers in the car windows. I had stickers that said "love yourself" to go on skanky pictures on magazine covers. I have hidden shirts with horrible, degrading statements on them. I carry sidewalk chalk for street art. I was just starting to find a voice and expressing things. And sure, maybe one voice can't change anything. But one voice can open someone else's eyes. One voice can remind people that they have choice. I'm not brave enough or smart enough to be a Michael Moore or an Eve Ensler, or a Gloria Steinem. I wish I was.

I want to make art, I want to be a part of art and creativity. I want to open some eyes. I want to remind people that this is our fucking world and we don't have to live in any way but our own. I want people to get angry, to make a noise. It doesn't have to change the world. It just has to touch ONE PERSON to be valid.

I want people to TURN OFF their TVs, to put down their degrading magazines, to stop buying so much. I want to hear opinions, to have debates, to wonder with people. I want real, live, meaningful connections.

I know what I want. I just don't know how to get there.